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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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'I Make My Own Hours,' Says Man About To Get Fired

NEW YORK—Marketing associate Jack Hilliard has carved out a pretty nice little setup wherein he has the freedom to make his own hours and come and go to work as he pleases, the 41-year-old who is on the verge of losing his job told reporters Monday. "When you've been here as long as I have, you can start to sidestep some of these little office guidelines everyone else has to follow—especially if I get all my work in on time," boasted Hilliard, whose replacement was hired this morning. "It's sort of an unspoken agreement," As of press time, supervisors had scheduled a meeting for 8:30 a.m. tomorrow to fire Hilliard, who confirmed he would be unable to attend due to some landlord stuff that needs sorting out.

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