adBlockCheck

'I May Be Hazardous To Your Health,' Warns Homicidal Surgeon General

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

'I May Be Hazardous To Your Health,' Warns Homicidal Surgeon General

WASHINGTON, DC—In his most strongly worded pronouncement yet, Surgeon General J. Putnam Andrews issued a stern warning to all U.S. citizens Monday that, if provoked, he may prove "seriously hazardous" to their health.

Surgeon General J. Putnam Andrews cautioned Americans that he may kill without warning.

"A number of recent clinical studies have shown that messing with me poses a significant health risk to any motherfucker who thinks he is man enough to try it," a visibly agitated Andrews said at Monday's press conference. "I would strongly advise all Americans not to even think about it."

According to Andrews, "Field data collected at several Washington, DC, bars last night demonstrates a strong causal link between getting in my face and the development of several potentially life-threatening conditions, including but not limited to: cracked skulls, ruptured chest cavities and severed spinal cords."

Andrews announced his support for a new, federally mandated warning label across his chest, which would advise those near him that a serious number may be done on their asses if they keep it up.

"This is the only reliable manner in which Americans can be cautioned about the very real health risks posed by me," he said.

In addition to the new warning label, Andrews announced that an education program stressing the importance of generally avoiding him will tour the nation's elementary schools starting next month. Andrews then unveiled the program's theme song, "Stay The Hell Out Of His Goddamn Way": "When J. Putnam comes around/play it safe and get the fuck out of town," sang a visibly nervous "Trevor," the rapping kangaroo who stars in the show.

As helpful as the proposed program is expected to be, Andrews stressed that it is not enough. "It is up to families to take surgeon general safety and avoidance education into their own hands," he said. "Don't wait for your kids to ask about me. Approach them and talk to them now, because one day it may be too late."

Less than an hour after his controversial pronouncement, following a brutally violent altercation with a group of tobacco-industry lobbyists, Andrews fled the nation's capital and has been missing ever since. Andrews is believed to be traveling with an elite platoon of highly trained surgeons, who remain intensely loyal to the Surgeon General's command.

"If you do see this man, use extreme caution. Do not attempt to confront him," White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry warned. "The public is advised that approaching Andrews in any way could lead to ass-kickings, severe lung and heart problems, and low fetal birth weights among pregnant women."

Andrews is the first surgeon general to go rogue since May 1994, when Joycelyn Elders went berserk, telling media representatives that she does not believe schools should teach children that masturbation is wrong. A White House special-operatives squad was able to terminate Elders before she could do any further damage, but fear of an out-of-control surgeon general—an office that many government officials have long believed has "too much unchecked power"—has remained ever since.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close