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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.
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'I May Be Hazardous To Your Health,' Warns Homicidal Surgeon General

WASHINGTON, DC—In his most strongly worded pronouncement yet, Surgeon General J. Putnam Andrews issued a stern warning to all U.S. citizens Monday that, if provoked, he may prove "seriously hazardous" to their health.

Surgeon General J. Putnam Andrews cautioned Americans that he may kill without warning.

"A number of recent clinical studies have shown that messing with me poses a significant health risk to any motherfucker who thinks he is man enough to try it," a visibly agitated Andrews said at Monday's press conference. "I would strongly advise all Americans not to even think about it."

According to Andrews, "Field data collected at several Washington, DC, bars last night demonstrates a strong causal link between getting in my face and the development of several potentially life-threatening conditions, including but not limited to: cracked skulls, ruptured chest cavities and severed spinal cords."

Andrews announced his support for a new, federally mandated warning label across his chest, which would advise those near him that a serious number may be done on their asses if they keep it up.

"This is the only reliable manner in which Americans can be cautioned about the very real health risks posed by me," he said.

In addition to the new warning label, Andrews announced that an education program stressing the importance of generally avoiding him will tour the nation's elementary schools starting next month. Andrews then unveiled the program's theme song, "Stay The Hell Out Of His Goddamn Way": "When J. Putnam comes around/play it safe and get the fuck out of town," sang a visibly nervous "Trevor," the rapping kangaroo who stars in the show.

As helpful as the proposed program is expected to be, Andrews stressed that it is not enough. "It is up to families to take surgeon general safety and avoidance education into their own hands," he said. "Don't wait for your kids to ask about me. Approach them and talk to them now, because one day it may be too late."

Less than an hour after his controversial pronouncement, following a brutally violent altercation with a group of tobacco-industry lobbyists, Andrews fled the nation's capital and has been missing ever since. Andrews is believed to be traveling with an elite platoon of highly trained surgeons, who remain intensely loyal to the Surgeon General's command.

"If you do see this man, use extreme caution. Do not attempt to confront him," White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry warned. "The public is advised that approaching Andrews in any way could lead to ass-kickings, severe lung and heart problems, and low fetal birth weights among pregnant women."

Andrews is the first surgeon general to go rogue since May 1994, when Joycelyn Elders went berserk, telling media representatives that she does not believe schools should teach children that masturbation is wrong. A White House special-operatives squad was able to terminate Elders before she could do any further damage, but fear of an out-of-control surgeon general—an office that many government officials have long believed has "too much unchecked power"—has remained ever since.

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