'I May Be Hazardous To Your Health,' Warns Homicidal Surgeon General

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Vol 31 Issue 12

Local Man Helped Every Day By Salad Shooter

CINCINNATI—A Presto Appliance advertising slogan was proven accurate Tuesday, when local resident Larry McCue announced that he is helped every day by the Presto Salad Shooter. "The Salad Shooter helps me every day," McCue said. "Whether I am shredding whole potatoes into hash browns at breakfast time, or preparing healthful salads and other entrees later in the day, no day goes by without help from my Salad Shooter." In addition to the culinary assistance provided by the appliance, McCue said that on one occasion he knocked an intruder unconscious with the compact, easy-to-clean appliance. Presto officials stressed that the Salad Shooter is not meant for use as a blunt weapon.

Clinton's Lower Lip 'Very Concerned' About Albanian Crisis

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move expected to cause a slight jutting of his lower jaw region, it was announced Monday that President Clinton's lower lip is "very concerned" about the ongoing civil unrest in Albania. A spokesperson for the president's lower lip told reporters that it would be "protruding outward with care, yet sliding slightly upward in a show of caution and prudence." It remains unclear whether this move will obscure the mucous membrane of his upper lip. "Clinton's lower lip is very aware that, considering the seriousness of the Albanian situation, complete upper-lip coverage is a possibility, but it is not making any decision at this time," the spokesperson said. Many insiders predict that Clinton's brow may also furrow slightly.

Creative Alcoholic Comes Up With Idea To Drink A Lot

GALVESTON, TX—Area alcoholic Joe Roush unveiled Monday a bold, counterintuitive plan for this weekend: to become intoxicated by the alcohol his body desperately craves. "After much rumination, I have brainstormed a plan to become thoroughly drunk through the consumption of beer and hard liquor," Roush said. "I created this plan myself, though playwright Brendan Behan was a source of inspiration." Key to Roush's plan will be switching from beer to scotch at around midnight.

Israel Agrees To Creation Of Palestinian Homeroom

WEST BANK—In a historic breakthrough in the struggle for peace in the Middle East, Israeli and PLO leaders settled on a large ground-floor room in a West Bank office building to be used as a Palestinian homeroom. "Finally, we, the people of Palestine, have a room to call our own, a place where we can go at the beginning of each day to take attendance and listen to announcements," PLO leader Yasser Arafat said. The PLO held out until the 11th hour of negotiations, insisting that all Palestinians be permitted to talk quietly in their new homeroom.

You're Doomed!

Several nights ago I couldn't sleep a wink due to an ongoing bout of the ague. Restless, I barked at my nurse to open the window so that some fresh air could clear the fetid odor of my bedchamber. As she drew the curtain, she revealed a sight that sent stark terror down my aged and malformed spine. A comet! The hairy-star of lore, the legendary harbinger of doom and portent of evil!

Nation's Homeless Less Important Than Ever

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Tuesday by the Department of Housing and Urban Development, the nation's approximately five million homeless citizens are less important now than they have ever been.
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'I May Be Hazardous To Your Health,' Warns Homicidal Surgeon General

WASHINGTON, DC—In his most strongly worded pronouncement yet, Surgeon General J. Putnam Andrews issued a stern warning to all U.S. citizens Monday that, if provoked, he may prove "seriously hazardous" to their health.

Surgeon General J. Putnam Andrews cautioned Americans that he may kill without warning.

"A number of recent clinical studies have shown that messing with me poses a significant health risk to any motherfucker who thinks he is man enough to try it," a visibly agitated Andrews said at Monday's press conference. "I would strongly advise all Americans not to even think about it."

According to Andrews, "Field data collected at several Washington, DC, bars last night demonstrates a strong causal link between getting in my face and the development of several potentially life-threatening conditions, including but not limited to: cracked skulls, ruptured chest cavities and severed spinal cords."

Andrews announced his support for a new, federally mandated warning label across his chest, which would advise those near him that a serious number may be done on their asses if they keep it up.

"This is the only reliable manner in which Americans can be cautioned about the very real health risks posed by me," he said.

In addition to the new warning label, Andrews announced that an education program stressing the importance of generally avoiding him will tour the nation's elementary schools starting next month. Andrews then unveiled the program's theme song, "Stay The Hell Out Of His Goddamn Way": "When J. Putnam comes around/play it safe and get the fuck out of town," sang a visibly nervous "Trevor," the rapping kangaroo who stars in the show.

As helpful as the proposed program is expected to be, Andrews stressed that it is not enough. "It is up to families to take surgeon general safety and avoidance education into their own hands," he said. "Don't wait for your kids to ask about me. Approach them and talk to them now, because one day it may be too late."

Less than an hour after his controversial pronouncement, following a brutally violent altercation with a group of tobacco-industry lobbyists, Andrews fled the nation's capital and has been missing ever since. Andrews is believed to be traveling with an elite platoon of highly trained surgeons, who remain intensely loyal to the Surgeon General's command.

"If you do see this man, use extreme caution. Do not attempt to confront him," White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry warned. "The public is advised that approaching Andrews in any way could lead to ass-kickings, severe lung and heart problems, and low fetal birth weights among pregnant women."

Andrews is the first surgeon general to go rogue since May 1994, when Joycelyn Elders went berserk, telling media representatives that she does not believe schools should teach children that masturbation is wrong. A White House special-operatives squad was able to terminate Elders before she could do any further damage, but fear of an out-of-control surgeon general—an office that many government officials have long believed has "too much unchecked power"—has remained ever since.

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