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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

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President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

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With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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'I May Be Hazardous To Your Health,' Warns Homicidal Surgeon General

WASHINGTON, DC—In his most strongly worded pronouncement yet, Surgeon General J. Putnam Andrews issued a stern warning to all U.S. citizens Monday that, if provoked, he may prove "seriously hazardous" to their health.

Surgeon General J. Putnam Andrews cautioned Americans that he may kill without warning.

"A number of recent clinical studies have shown that messing with me poses a significant health risk to any motherfucker who thinks he is man enough to try it," a visibly agitated Andrews said at Monday's press conference. "I would strongly advise all Americans not to even think about it."

According to Andrews, "Field data collected at several Washington, DC, bars last night demonstrates a strong causal link between getting in my face and the development of several potentially life-threatening conditions, including but not limited to: cracked skulls, ruptured chest cavities and severed spinal cords."

Andrews announced his support for a new, federally mandated warning label across his chest, which would advise those near him that a serious number may be done on their asses if they keep it up.

"This is the only reliable manner in which Americans can be cautioned about the very real health risks posed by me," he said.

In addition to the new warning label, Andrews announced that an education program stressing the importance of generally avoiding him will tour the nation's elementary schools starting next month. Andrews then unveiled the program's theme song, "Stay The Hell Out Of His Goddamn Way": "When J. Putnam comes around/play it safe and get the fuck out of town," sang a visibly nervous "Trevor," the rapping kangaroo who stars in the show.

As helpful as the proposed program is expected to be, Andrews stressed that it is not enough. "It is up to families to take surgeon general safety and avoidance education into their own hands," he said. "Don't wait for your kids to ask about me. Approach them and talk to them now, because one day it may be too late."

Less than an hour after his controversial pronouncement, following a brutally violent altercation with a group of tobacco-industry lobbyists, Andrews fled the nation's capital and has been missing ever since. Andrews is believed to be traveling with an elite platoon of highly trained surgeons, who remain intensely loyal to the Surgeon General's command.

"If you do see this man, use extreme caution. Do not attempt to confront him," White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry warned. "The public is advised that approaching Andrews in any way could lead to ass-kickings, severe lung and heart problems, and low fetal birth weights among pregnant women."

Andrews is the first surgeon general to go rogue since May 1994, when Joycelyn Elders went berserk, telling media representatives that she does not believe schools should teach children that masturbation is wrong. A White House special-operatives squad was able to terminate Elders before she could do any further damage, but fear of an out-of-control surgeon general—an office that many government officials have long believed has "too much unchecked power"—has remained ever since.

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