adBlockCheck

Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
End Of Section
  • More News

‘I Promise To Work Tirelessly To Achieve My Campaign’s Goals,’ Threatens Trump In Terrifying Address

WASHINGTON—Leaving the nation in an uneasy state of dread as he spoke from the Capitol steps, incoming President Donald Trump reportedly delivered a disturbing inaugural address Friday in which he repeatedly threatened to work hard to implement his campaign promises. “Everything that I’ve stood for in this campaign, all of the goals I’ve set, I will work around the clock until each one of them is achieved,” Trump ominously warned the country, prompting inauguration attendees and those watching at home to exchange tense, fearful glances with nearby friends and loved ones as the newly installed president made several additional intimidating assertions that he would “seek to enact” the agenda he had espoused throughout his run for office. “My focus now will be turning my campaign pledges into reality. It is my guarantee to you, the American people, that I will do my best to accomplish everything I said I would do when you elected me president.” A collective gasp was then reportedly heard emanating from the National Mall as Trump issued a sinister threat to begin swiftly carrying out his campaign’s plans as soon as his speech concluded.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close