'I Provide Office Solutions,' Says Pitiful Little Man

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Vol 34 Issue 08

Dennis Miller Deeply Concerned About Long-Distance Service

Comedian Dennis Miller momentarily turned serious Monday to address the critical issue of long-distance service. "When the people at 10-10-220 brought to my attention the savings Americans are losing with every call they make using other carriers, I knew something had to be done," Miller said. "I could not stand by in good conscience while millions of innocent people went uninformed about which long-distance service offers the best rates." Added Miller: "The madness must end. All calls up to 20 minutes are just 99 cents."

Touring Company Of Cats Prepares For Yet Another Day In The Goddamn Catsuits

ST. LOUIS–Members of the national touring company of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats steeled themselves Monday for yet another day in the goddamn catsuits. "One of these days, my agent is going to land me a TV or movie role and get me out of this living nightmare," said Jonathan Belinsky, gluing whiskers onto his face and wriggling into a fur-covered bodysuit for his role as Mr. Mistoffolees. "I can't take much more of this." Stephanie Watrous, who has played Jennyanydots for eight agonizing years, said, "Each day, I pray for sweet release from the hideous quasi-feline mockery that my life has become. Where are we today? Spokane?" Six suicides have plagued the touring company in the past year, with three of them occurring during performances of the song "Memory."

Second Hour In Fabric Store Nearly Kills Eight-Year-Old

COVINGTON, KY–Local 8-year-old William Haney is listed in stable condition following Sunday's near-fatal two-hour excursion to Martha's Fabric Outlet on Route 23 near Cincinnati. Dragged to the store by his mother, 36-year-old Carolyn Haney, who was reportedly obsessed with finding the perfect fabric for new bathroom curtains, Haney wandered the aisles for more than an hour in search of anything of remote interest. "After making his 12th walking tour of the entire store, gazing listlessly upon bolt after identical bolt of fabric, William collapsed from what is commonly known as a massive boredom attack," said St. Joseph's Hospital spokesperson Andrew Peele. "He was literally seconds from death when his mother finally purchased three yards of a floral print and left the store." Emergency doses of comic books and candy were administered to Haney, upgrading his condition.

Expense-Account Wizard Transforms Prostitute Into Color Copies

CHICAGO–In a remarkable feat of expense-account wizardry, Chicago marketing executive Edgar Furness transformed a prostitute into 250 color copies Monday. Furness, who enjoyed a half-hour of sodomy with prostitute Chantel LaRue during a business trip to Dallas last week, magically turned the sexual encounter into a stack of colorful, easy-to-read pie charts created at Kinko's for a presentation to clients. Furness was reimbursed $58.93 for the tryst.

Impeach Clinton?

With Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's report now in the American people's hands, talk has turned to the prospect of impeaching the president. What do you think?
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'I Provide Office Solutions,' Says Pitiful Little Man

SANTA FE, NM–When Santa Fe-area marketing and sales professionals are looking for an office-management consultant with a nose for improving productivity and cost-effectiveness, they turn to Jim Smuda. For the past six years, this pitiful little man has served as senior field consultant at VisTech, one of Santa Fe's leading service-support companies.

Spineless nonentity Jim Smuda, who offers clients a wide range of consulting and computer-networking services.

"I provide office solutions," the sniveling, detestable Smuda said. "Whether you need help with digital networking, facilities management, outsourcing, systems integration or document services, I have the experience and know-how to guide you through today's business maze."

"If you've got questions," the 41-year-old worm added, "the team of experts at VisTech has got the answers."

Before joining VisTech, Smuda spent nine years freelancing as a data-retrieval specialist in the Dallas area, troubleshooting computer systems for corporate clients. Though capable of handling a broad spectrum of business problems, the gutless half-man specializes in information-systems consulting, offering services ranging from network set-up, upgrading and maintenance to software installation, customization and support.

"VisTech is your one-stop source for Internet and Intranet development, as well as collaborative-computing support," said Smuda, adjusting the toupee he has worn since age 23. "We are a full-service company that can evaluate and integrate multi-platform environments, including Unix-based Sun workstations, Novell Netware-based PC servers and AppleTalk-based TCP/IP LANs."

"Remember, no job is too small for the professionals at VisTech," added the spouseless, childless man, who is destined to die alone and unloved. "And no job is too big, either."

Smuda, who is unable to maintain an erection, said he has experience designing and installing such disparate networking architectures as IBM Token Ring, 10/100 Base-T Ethernet/Thinnet and Apple LocalTalk-based PhoneNet arrays.

"Not sure what system is best for your company?" said Smuda in his grating, nasal voice. "I can work with you to create the office computing environment that best suits your particular needs."

Flashing a nauseatingly insincere smile, Smuda said many of his clients are pleasantly surprised to learn that VisTech also offers personnel-management solutions. "A single five-hour VisTech seminar can increase your staff's productivity by as much as 20 percent," Smuda said. "I bet you'd like to know more!"

"There's no charge for an initial consultation, so there's no reason not to set one up today," Smuda said. "Give me a call!"

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