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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'I Provide Office Solutions,' Says Pitiful Little Man

SANTA FE, NM–When Santa Fe-area marketing and sales professionals are looking for an office-management consultant with a nose for improving productivity and cost-effectiveness, they turn to Jim Smuda. For the past six years, this pitiful little man has served as senior field consultant at VisTech, one of Santa Fe's leading service-support companies.

Spineless nonentity Jim Smuda, who offers clients a wide range of consulting and computer-networking services.

"I provide office solutions," the sniveling, detestable Smuda said. "Whether you need help with digital networking, facilities management, outsourcing, systems integration or document services, I have the experience and know-how to guide you through today's business maze."

"If you've got questions," the 41-year-old worm added, "the team of experts at VisTech has got the answers."

Before joining VisTech, Smuda spent nine years freelancing as a data-retrieval specialist in the Dallas area, troubleshooting computer systems for corporate clients. Though capable of handling a broad spectrum of business problems, the gutless half-man specializes in information-systems consulting, offering services ranging from network set-up, upgrading and maintenance to software installation, customization and support.

"VisTech is your one-stop source for Internet and Intranet development, as well as collaborative-computing support," said Smuda, adjusting the toupee he has worn since age 23. "We are a full-service company that can evaluate and integrate multi-platform environments, including Unix-based Sun workstations, Novell Netware-based PC servers and AppleTalk-based TCP/IP LANs."

"Remember, no job is too small for the professionals at VisTech," added the spouseless, childless man, who is destined to die alone and unloved. "And no job is too big, either."

Smuda, who is unable to maintain an erection, said he has experience designing and installing such disparate networking architectures as IBM Token Ring, 10/100 Base-T Ethernet/Thinnet and Apple LocalTalk-based PhoneNet arrays.

"Not sure what system is best for your company?" said Smuda in his grating, nasal voice. "I can work with you to create the office computing environment that best suits your particular needs."

Flashing a nauseatingly insincere smile, Smuda said many of his clients are pleasantly surprised to learn that VisTech also offers personnel-management solutions. "A single five-hour VisTech seminar can increase your staff's productivity by as much as 20 percent," Smuda said. "I bet you'd like to know more!"

"There's no charge for an initial consultation, so there's no reason not to set one up today," Smuda said. "Give me a call!"

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