adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes

CHICAGO—Following various incidents in which they stumbled, got distracted, or simply lost their grip, thousands of dopes across the country announced Friday that they had spilled their sodas.

Dummies across the country say they were really looking forward to drinking those sodas, too.

"Oh no," Wilmette, IL dim-bulb Stuart Rowley said after accidentally dumping nearly two-thirds of his 32-ounce Mountain Dew down the front of his T-shirt and onto his lap. "I spilled my soda all over."

"Ah, darn it," the big dope continued. "It's everywhere!"

Slow-witted soda drinkers nationwide offered nearly identical reactions as Rowley, with many standing completely still for up to 30 seconds, their mouths agape and their hands raised chest high with palms held upward in disbelief.

"Tina!" Syracuse, NY dullard Rich Gantry said while clumsily and ineffectively trying to sop up Dr. Pepper with old issues of Sports Illustrated. "Tina! I spilled my soda! It's getting in the couch cushions, Tina!"

"Tina!" Gantry added.

Though the majority of the nation's dopes spilled their sodas while watching television, 23 percent reported having done so while driving cars, 14 percent after trying to reach Doritos they had dropped through the netting of their hammocks, and, in at least one incident, while attempting to remove their foot from a storm drain where it had accidentally become wedged.

"Now I gotta go get another one up at the counter," Raleigh, NC dope Nate Porter said after tipping over his Pepsi during a screening of the new superhero epic Thor. "And I already don't know what's happening in the movie anymore 'cause I stopped paying attention when I spilled soda all over my sneakers and on that lady."

Many dopes, however, did not handle the spillage of their sodas as stoically as Porter. A large number found themselves at a complete loss as to what to do about the mess after discovering they had no paper towels or even spare takeout napkins, and many also complained of still being thirsty.

Thirty-four-year-old Amarillo, TX dope Louis Renaldo told reporters he was concerned about the potentially embarrassing social implications of having spilled his soda.

"People are going to think I peed my pants," Renaldo said while standing outside a local 7-Eleven. "But I didn't pee my pants. I spilled my soda."

"I still got this Slim Jim, though," added Renaldo, holding up the snack food at face-level.

Other dopes urged calm in the wake of having spilled their sodas, maintaining that things would soon return to normal.

"It will dry up soon," Groton, CT dum-dum Eric Sperino said while surveying his soda-slick kitchen floor and sipping a fresh Diet Orange Slice. "So no big deal. I just gotta be real careful with this—oops!"

Though the aftermath of today's soft drink spillage remains clouded by confusion, the nation's dopes have nearly unanimously agreed that it is imperative they get refills on their sodas before lunchtime because there is no way they can eat their sandwiches without their soda.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings