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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes

CHICAGO—Following various incidents in which they stumbled, got distracted, or simply lost their grip, thousands of dopes across the country announced Friday that they had spilled their sodas.

Dummies across the country say they were really looking forward to drinking those sodas, too.

"Oh no," Wilmette, IL dim-bulb Stuart Rowley said after accidentally dumping nearly two-thirds of his 32-ounce Mountain Dew down the front of his T-shirt and onto his lap. "I spilled my soda all over."

"Ah, darn it," the big dope continued. "It's everywhere!"

Slow-witted soda drinkers nationwide offered nearly identical reactions as Rowley, with many standing completely still for up to 30 seconds, their mouths agape and their hands raised chest high with palms held upward in disbelief.

"Tina!" Syracuse, NY dullard Rich Gantry said while clumsily and ineffectively trying to sop up Dr. Pepper with old issues of Sports Illustrated. "Tina! I spilled my soda! It's getting in the couch cushions, Tina!"

"Tina!" Gantry added.

Though the majority of the nation's dopes spilled their sodas while watching television, 23 percent reported having done so while driving cars, 14 percent after trying to reach Doritos they had dropped through the netting of their hammocks, and, in at least one incident, while attempting to remove their foot from a storm drain where it had accidentally become wedged.

"Now I gotta go get another one up at the counter," Raleigh, NC dope Nate Porter said after tipping over his Pepsi during a screening of the new superhero epic Thor. "And I already don't know what's happening in the movie anymore 'cause I stopped paying attention when I spilled soda all over my sneakers and on that lady."

Many dopes, however, did not handle the spillage of their sodas as stoically as Porter. A large number found themselves at a complete loss as to what to do about the mess after discovering they had no paper towels or even spare takeout napkins, and many also complained of still being thirsty.

Thirty-four-year-old Amarillo, TX dope Louis Renaldo told reporters he was concerned about the potentially embarrassing social implications of having spilled his soda.

"People are going to think I peed my pants," Renaldo said while standing outside a local 7-Eleven. "But I didn't pee my pants. I spilled my soda."

"I still got this Slim Jim, though," added Renaldo, holding up the snack food at face-level.

Other dopes urged calm in the wake of having spilled their sodas, maintaining that things would soon return to normal.

"It will dry up soon," Groton, CT dum-dum Eric Sperino said while surveying his soda-slick kitchen floor and sipping a fresh Diet Orange Slice. "So no big deal. I just gotta be real careful with this—oops!"

Though the aftermath of today's soft drink spillage remains clouded by confusion, the nation's dopes have nearly unanimously agreed that it is imperative they get refills on their sodas before lunchtime because there is no way they can eat their sandwiches without their soda.

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