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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes

CHICAGO—Following various incidents in which they stumbled, got distracted, or simply lost their grip, thousands of dopes across the country announced Friday that they had spilled their sodas.

Dummies across the country say they were really looking forward to drinking those sodas, too.

"Oh no," Wilmette, IL dim-bulb Stuart Rowley said after accidentally dumping nearly two-thirds of his 32-ounce Mountain Dew down the front of his T-shirt and onto his lap. "I spilled my soda all over."

"Ah, darn it," the big dope continued. "It's everywhere!"

Slow-witted soda drinkers nationwide offered nearly identical reactions as Rowley, with many standing completely still for up to 30 seconds, their mouths agape and their hands raised chest high with palms held upward in disbelief.

"Tina!" Syracuse, NY dullard Rich Gantry said while clumsily and ineffectively trying to sop up Dr. Pepper with old issues of Sports Illustrated. "Tina! I spilled my soda! It's getting in the couch cushions, Tina!"

"Tina!" Gantry added.

Though the majority of the nation's dopes spilled their sodas while watching television, 23 percent reported having done so while driving cars, 14 percent after trying to reach Doritos they had dropped through the netting of their hammocks, and, in at least one incident, while attempting to remove their foot from a storm drain where it had accidentally become wedged.

"Now I gotta go get another one up at the counter," Raleigh, NC dope Nate Porter said after tipping over his Pepsi during a screening of the new superhero epic Thor. "And I already don't know what's happening in the movie anymore 'cause I stopped paying attention when I spilled soda all over my sneakers and on that lady."

Many dopes, however, did not handle the spillage of their sodas as stoically as Porter. A large number found themselves at a complete loss as to what to do about the mess after discovering they had no paper towels or even spare takeout napkins, and many also complained of still being thirsty.

Thirty-four-year-old Amarillo, TX dope Louis Renaldo told reporters he was concerned about the potentially embarrassing social implications of having spilled his soda.

"People are going to think I peed my pants," Renaldo said while standing outside a local 7-Eleven. "But I didn't pee my pants. I spilled my soda."

"I still got this Slim Jim, though," added Renaldo, holding up the snack food at face-level.

Other dopes urged calm in the wake of having spilled their sodas, maintaining that things would soon return to normal.

"It will dry up soon," Groton, CT dum-dum Eric Sperino said while surveying his soda-slick kitchen floor and sipping a fresh Diet Orange Slice. "So no big deal. I just gotta be real careful with this—oops!"

Though the aftermath of today's soft drink spillage remains clouded by confusion, the nation's dopes have nearly unanimously agreed that it is imperative they get refills on their sodas before lunchtime because there is no way they can eat their sandwiches without their soda.

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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