'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes

CHICAGO—Following various incidents in which they stumbled, got distracted, or simply lost their grip, thousands of dopes across the country announced Friday that they had spilled their sodas.

Dummies across the country say they were really looking forward to drinking those sodas, too.

"Oh no," Wilmette, IL dim-bulb Stuart Rowley said after accidentally dumping nearly two-thirds of his 32-ounce Mountain Dew down the front of his T-shirt and onto his lap. "I spilled my soda all over."

"Ah, darn it," the big dope continued. "It's everywhere!"

Slow-witted soda drinkers nationwide offered nearly identical reactions as Rowley, with many standing completely still for up to 30 seconds, their mouths agape and their hands raised chest high with palms held upward in disbelief.

"Tina!" Syracuse, NY dullard Rich Gantry said while clumsily and ineffectively trying to sop up Dr. Pepper with old issues of Sports Illustrated. "Tina! I spilled my soda! It's getting in the couch cushions, Tina!"

"Tina!" Gantry added.

Though the majority of the nation's dopes spilled their sodas while watching television, 23 percent reported having done so while driving cars, 14 percent after trying to reach Doritos they had dropped through the netting of their hammocks, and, in at least one incident, while attempting to remove their foot from a storm drain where it had accidentally become wedged.

"Now I gotta go get another one up at the counter," Raleigh, NC dope Nate Porter said after tipping over his Pepsi during a screening of the new superhero epic Thor. "And I already don't know what's happening in the movie anymore 'cause I stopped paying attention when I spilled soda all over my sneakers and on that lady."

Many dopes, however, did not handle the spillage of their sodas as stoically as Porter. A large number found themselves at a complete loss as to what to do about the mess after discovering they had no paper towels or even spare takeout napkins, and many also complained of still being thirsty.

Thirty-four-year-old Amarillo, TX dope Louis Renaldo told reporters he was concerned about the potentially embarrassing social implications of having spilled his soda.

"People are going to think I peed my pants," Renaldo said while standing outside a local 7-Eleven. "But I didn't pee my pants. I spilled my soda."

"I still got this Slim Jim, though," added Renaldo, holding up the snack food at face-level.

Other dopes urged calm in the wake of having spilled their sodas, maintaining that things would soon return to normal.

"It will dry up soon," Groton, CT dum-dum Eric Sperino said while surveying his soda-slick kitchen floor and sipping a fresh Diet Orange Slice. "So no big deal. I just gotta be real careful with this—oops!"

Though the aftermath of today's soft drink spillage remains clouded by confusion, the nation's dopes have nearly unanimously agreed that it is imperative they get refills on their sodas before lunchtime because there is no way they can eat their sandwiches without their soda.

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