John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Onion Politics

More Political Coverage

‘I Suffer From Severe Psychological Issues And I Need The Help Of Mental Health Professionals,’ Says Trump In Pointed Debate Comeback

Trump counters his opponents’ attacks and rouses the audience with a cutting remark about his urgent need for intensive psychotherapy.
Trump counters his opponents’ attacks and rouses the audience with a cutting remark about his urgent need for intensive psychotherapy.

MIAMI—Following a series of attacks by his opponents on inconsistent policy statements he has made in the past, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump reportedly shot back at his challengers with a pointed and stinging rebuttal during Thursday’s GOP debate, saying, “I suffer from severe psychological issues, and I desperately need the help of mental health professionals.”

Sources said Trump’s biting retort, in which he acknowledged having debilitating cognitive and emotional impairments that rendered him wholly unfit to make important decisions for himself, let alone for a nation of 320 million people, came during the first hour of the nationally televised debate, and drew raucous cheers and applause from the audience.

“I am sincerely afraid of what I might do to myself or others—please, someone help me.”

“What people need to understand is that I’m plagued by very real and very serious mental health issues that leave me with considerable mental deficits and sharply distort the reality I perceive,” said Trump, his blunt and forceful rejoinder cutting through the noise of the other candidates talking over one another and silencing the field. “Look, folks, I have a crippling, intractable personality disorder, exacerbated by ongoing chemical imbalances in my brain, that is manifesting itself as an acute, long-term manic episode. Let’s be clear here: I lack the sound judgment, impulse control, and ability to regulate emotional responses that a rational, mentally healthy human being should possess.”

“I am sincerely afraid of what I might do to myself or others—please, someone help me,” Trump continued, leaving his challengers flustered as the crowd erupted in a standing ovation.

According to sources, Trump then wasted no time hammering home his message by providing a detailed description of his diagnosis. Using his entire 60-second debate response allotment, Trump cited a number of symptoms from the DSM-5—the American Psychiatric Association’s primary disorder classification text—that he said incessantly plague him, including delusions of inflated worth, power, knowledge, and identity, before making a strong case for his having a severe persecution complex.

After outlining a lengthy list of comorbid conditions—among them narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and certain elements of paranoid schizophrenia—the presidential frontrunner was said to have put his debate opponents on their back heels when he pointed out several features of psychopathy that he presents, including pathological egocentricity and a total lack of empathy.

Trump’s stunned adversaries were seen standing by silently as the candidate bolstered his position with a memorable sound bite in which he referenced actions from the past few months that he believes offer confirmation of his grave mental health problems, including several instances in which he incited violence against the press and protesters during his rallies. Shouting down others after his debate timer sounded, Trump then reportedly doubled down on his point by loudly reiterating his immediate need to be placed under the care of a team of dedicated psychiatric specialists at the top of their respective fields.

“What remains to be seen is whether there are lesions on the frontal and prefrontal regions of my brain, or if these areas were congenitally malformed since birth. Either way, there are significant abnormalities in these intracranial structures and they are severely impacting my behavior,” said Trump, sternly cutting off Ohio governor John Kasich, who had attempted to interject. “The fact of the matter is that my condition can only be managed by an intense, round-the-clock regimen of psychoanalysis, powerful mood-stabilizing drugs, and daily cognitive behavioral therapy. That much is clear.”

Trump reportedly refused to let up even after moderator Jake Tapper attempted to redirect the conversation, stealing the spotlight from his opponents by listing several indicators that he also suffers from body dysmorphic disorder, in which the afflicted person has an obsessive preoccupation that aspects of his own appearance are severely flawed.

“The American people must accept that I am never, ever going to get better on my own, and realize that, if untreated, my condition will spiral even further out of control until I enter a persistent and almost certainly violent state of psychosis,” said Trump during what many pundits saw as the most devastating rhetorical blow landed during the debate. “Listen to me: I need to be institutionalized for the rest of my life and kept outside of normal human society. Please, stop cheering. I’m suffering.”

“For the love of God, I just want this to end,” he continued.

Trump reportedly concluded his remarks by making the evening’s most compelling argument for his case, saying it should be legal to detain Muslim U.S. citizens indefinitely without just cause.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close