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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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‘I Think We Still Have A Shot,’ Carly Fiorina Assures Closest Inkjet Printer

CONCORD, NH—In an effort to regroup after receiving a disappointing 2 percent of votes in the Iowa caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina reportedly huddled with her closest inkjet printer Tuesday and assured it that the campaign still had a shot of winning the nomination. “Sure, we didn’t get the numbers we wanted in Iowa, but New Hampshire’s a whole new ballgame, and there are still 48 more states up for grabs after that,” said Fiorina, who attempted to comfort the trusted HP Deskjet 1000, which sources confirmed has been at the former Hewlett-Packard CEO’s side since before she announced her candidacy in early 2015. “We’re still polling well with women and moderates, and once the field narrows a little after South Carolina and Nevada, we can really start to get our message out there. I’m just so glad I can always rely on you, Deskjet 1000—I could never do this without you.” At press time, the combination printer-scanner-copier had reportedly faxed a copy of its system specs to the Rubio campaign.

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