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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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‘I Think We Still Have A Shot,’ Carly Fiorina Assures Closest Inkjet Printer

CONCORD, NH—In an effort to regroup after receiving a disappointing 2 percent of votes in the Iowa caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina reportedly huddled with her closest inkjet printer Tuesday and assured it that the campaign still had a shot of winning the nomination. “Sure, we didn’t get the numbers we wanted in Iowa, but New Hampshire’s a whole new ballgame, and there are still 48 more states up for grabs after that,” said Fiorina, who attempted to comfort the trusted HP Deskjet 1000, which sources confirmed has been at the former Hewlett-Packard CEO’s side since before she announced her candidacy in early 2015. “We’re still polling well with women and moderates, and once the field narrows a little after South Carolina and Nevada, we can really start to get our message out there. I’m just so glad I can always rely on you, Deskjet 1000—I could never do this without you.” At press time, the combination printer-scanner-copier had reportedly faxed a copy of its system specs to the Rubio campaign.

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