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‘I Think We Still Have A Shot,’ Carly Fiorina Assures Closest Inkjet Printer

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Election 2016

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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‘I Think We Still Have A Shot,’ Carly Fiorina Assures Closest Inkjet Printer

CONCORD, NH—In an effort to regroup after receiving a disappointing 2 percent of votes in the Iowa caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina reportedly huddled with her closest inkjet printer Tuesday and assured it that the campaign still had a shot of winning the nomination. “Sure, we didn’t get the numbers we wanted in Iowa, but New Hampshire’s a whole new ballgame, and there are still 48 more states up for grabs after that,” said Fiorina, who attempted to comfort the trusted HP Deskjet 1000, which sources confirmed has been at the former Hewlett-Packard CEO’s side since before she announced her candidacy in early 2015. “We’re still polling well with women and moderates, and once the field narrows a little after South Carolina and Nevada, we can really start to get our message out there. I’m just so glad I can always rely on you, Deskjet 1000—I could never do this without you.” At press time, the combination printer-scanner-copier had reportedly faxed a copy of its system specs to the Rubio campaign.

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