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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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'I Want A Divorce,' Peter King's Wife Says Just Before He Tells Her About Best Defensive Backs In 2013 Draft

NEW YORK—Moments before launching into a long diatribe about the 2013 NFL Draft’s top defensive backs, Sports Illustrated writer Peter King’s wife Ann reportedly told her husband she wanted a divorce, sources confirmed on Thursday. “Peter, it’s over; I want a divorce,” said Ann, packing her suitcase as her husband momentarily paused and then explained that Dee Milliner and David Amerson can provide solid run support for any team that needs it, that Jonathan Banks’ lanky frame doesn’t mean he’s not one of the most physical guys in this entire draft, and that if you’re looking for a tough corner with solid cover skills, you won’t get much better than Washington’s Desmond Trufant. “Listen, Peter, I don’t want to hear about this right now.” As his wife left the house and closed the door, reports confirmed that King was talking incessantly about the natural athleticism of Texas safety Kenny Vaccaro.

Follow @OnionSports for live coverage of tonight's NFL Draft at 8 p.m. EST.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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