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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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'I Want A Divorce,' Peter King's Wife Says Just Before He Tells Her About Best Defensive Backs In 2013 Draft

NEW YORK—Moments before launching into a long diatribe about the 2013 NFL Draft’s top defensive backs, Sports Illustrated writer Peter King’s wife Ann reportedly told her husband she wanted a divorce, sources confirmed on Thursday. “Peter, it’s over; I want a divorce,” said Ann, packing her suitcase as her husband momentarily paused and then explained that Dee Milliner and David Amerson can provide solid run support for any team that needs it, that Jonathan Banks’ lanky frame doesn’t mean he’s not one of the most physical guys in this entire draft, and that if you’re looking for a tough corner with solid cover skills, you won’t get much better than Washington’s Desmond Trufant. “Listen, Peter, I don’t want to hear about this right now.” As his wife left the house and closed the door, reports confirmed that King was talking incessantly about the natural athleticism of Texas safety Kenny Vaccaro.

Follow @OnionSports for live coverage of tonight's NFL Draft at 8 p.m. EST.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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