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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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‘I Want To Be With Someone Else,’ Says Woman Who Must Think 3-Time Hyundai Sales Leaders Grow On Trees

BETHESDA, MD—Local woman Heather Wilton, who apparently assumes that three-time Hyundai sales leaders just grow on trees, reportedly broke up with longtime boyfriend Kent Lewis Thursday, the Hyundai Sales Edge Award–winner reported. “I guess she’s under the impression that the world is overflowing with men who happen to be the top Hyundai regional sales associate for the third straight quarter and are currently on track for a fourth,” said Lewis, adding that the naive woman probably believes suitors capable of convincing more customers than any other associate at Silcox Hyundai to go with the power sunroof package are a dime a dozen. “Good luck finding another man who moved 14 Elantras last month and actually knows how to close the deal on a 2014 Santa Fe GLS with all-wheel drive.” At press time, an indignant Lewis told reporters that he could do better than his former girlfriend anyway, considering that, at his pace, he could be the sales team manager by this time next year.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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