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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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‘I Want To Be With Someone Else,’ Says Woman Who Must Think 3-Time Hyundai Sales Leaders Grow On Trees

BETHESDA, MD—Local woman Heather Wilton, who apparently assumes that three-time Hyundai sales leaders just grow on trees, reportedly broke up with longtime boyfriend Kent Lewis Thursday, the Hyundai Sales Edge Award–winner reported. “I guess she’s under the impression that the world is overflowing with men who happen to be the top Hyundai regional sales associate for the third straight quarter and are currently on track for a fourth,” said Lewis, adding that the naive woman probably believes suitors capable of convincing more customers than any other associate at Silcox Hyundai to go with the power sunroof package are a dime a dozen. “Good luck finding another man who moved 14 Elantras last month and actually knows how to close the deal on a 2014 Santa Fe GLS with all-wheel drive.” At press time, an indignant Lewis told reporters that he could do better than his former girlfriend anyway, considering that, at his pace, he could be the sales team manager by this time next year.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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