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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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‘I Want To Be With Someone Else,’ Says Woman Who Must Think 3-Time Hyundai Sales Leaders Grow On Trees

BETHESDA, MD—Local woman Heather Wilton, who apparently assumes that three-time Hyundai sales leaders just grow on trees, reportedly broke up with longtime boyfriend Kent Lewis Thursday, the Hyundai Sales Edge Award–winner reported. “I guess she’s under the impression that the world is overflowing with men who happen to be the top Hyundai regional sales associate for the third straight quarter and are currently on track for a fourth,” said Lewis, adding that the naive woman probably believes suitors capable of convincing more customers than any other associate at Silcox Hyundai to go with the power sunroof package are a dime a dozen. “Good luck finding another man who moved 14 Elantras last month and actually knows how to close the deal on a 2014 Santa Fe GLS with all-wheel drive.” At press time, an indignant Lewis told reporters that he could do better than his former girlfriend anyway, considering that, at his pace, he could be the sales team manager by this time next year.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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