adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

‘I Want To Be With Someone Else,’ Says Woman Who Must Think 3-Time Hyundai Sales Leaders Grow On Trees

BETHESDA, MD—Local woman Heather Wilton, who apparently assumes that three-time Hyundai sales leaders just grow on trees, reportedly broke up with longtime boyfriend Kent Lewis Thursday, the Hyundai Sales Edge Award–winner reported. “I guess she’s under the impression that the world is overflowing with men who happen to be the top Hyundai regional sales associate for the third straight quarter and are currently on track for a fourth,” said Lewis, adding that the naive woman probably believes suitors capable of convincing more customers than any other associate at Silcox Hyundai to go with the power sunroof package are a dime a dozen. “Good luck finding another man who moved 14 Elantras last month and actually knows how to close the deal on a 2014 Santa Fe GLS with all-wheel drive.” At press time, an indignant Lewis told reporters that he could do better than his former girlfriend anyway, considering that, at his pace, he could be the sales team manager by this time next year.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close