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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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'I Want To Congratulate The President,' Romney Says In 240,000th And Final Lie Of Campaign

BOSTON—While delivering his concession speech at the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center Tuesday night, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney uttered the 240,000th and final lie of his 2012 campaign when he offered his “sincere congratulations” to President Barack Obama. “This has been a hard-fought and closely contested campaign, and while we’ve had our share of disagreements, there has always been a great deal of respect and admiration between myself and the president,” said Romney, concluding 17 months’ worth of manipulative falsehoods, half-truths, and outright fabrications with one last bald-faced lie. “Tonight, the American people made their voices heard. And now I urge every one of my supporters to set aside their differences with my opponent and join me in standing behind our president, so that we all may come together in a spirit of understanding and cooperation to build a better America.” Romney then concluded his speech by expressing his thanks for the tireless efforts of his campaign team, marking the 12th and final true statement of his nearly six-year-long White House run.

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