adBlockCheck

Politics

Web Series Reaches 100 Views

A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

'I Would Make A Bad President,' Obama Says In Huge Campaign Blunder

Obama makes a slight gaffe when, instead of saying "Hello, Tallahassee," he says "John McCain is clearly the better candidate."
Obama makes a slight gaffe when, instead of saying "Hello, Tallahassee," he says "John McCain is clearly the better candidate."

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a campaign gaffe that could potentially jeopardize Sen. Barack Obama's White House bid, the Democratic presidential nominee told nearly 8,000 supporters Tuesday that, if elected, he would be a terrible president.

The blunder, captured by all major media outlets and broadcast live on CNN, occurred when the typically polished Obama fielded a question about his health care policy. Obama answered by saying he would give small business owners a tax credit to help them provide health care for their employees, and then added, "Now, I'm not completely certain that my plan would work because, overall, I think I would make a bad president."

According to sources, before those on hand could fully process what Obama had said, the Illinois senator continued to stumble, claiming that, were he to win the general election, he'd have absolutely no idea what to do.

"My youth and inexperience would definitely make me an awful president," said Obama, whose seven-minute misstep was further exacerbated when he called himself "no expert" on the economy. "To be perfectly honest, I'd be worried about putting me in charge of the most powerful military in the world because I'm not any good when it comes to making important decisions. Also, I'm not sure how much I care about keeping this great nation of ours safe."

"I'm an elitist, I hate Israel, and I want to lose the war in Iraq," Obama concluded, and then, seemingly unaware of the magnitude of his blunder, smiled, gave a thumbs-up to the stunned crowd, and urged his supporters to get out and vote on Nov. 4.

Immediately following the speech, Obama campaign officials released a written statement alleging that their candidate's comments had been taken out of context. In addition, Obama's top adviser David Axelrod claimed that the senator was quoting former president Abraham Lincoln when he said, "I am not the guy to head the executive branch of the United States government. Trust me. I'm really not."

Beltway observers agreed that the gaffe could come back to haunt Obama on Election Day.

"This might very well be the sound bite voters have in their heads when they step inside that booth on Tuesday," ABC political analyst George Stephanopoulos said. "It's just not the message you want to send to voters when you are up in the polls. Saying that you would make a bad president, especially when your entire campaign has been built around the idea that you would make a good president, doesn't play well with independent and undecided voters."

"Also, swing states like Ohio and Florida have historically leaned toward the nominee who thinks he'd be a good president, rather than the nominee who thinks he'd 'probably just screw everything up worse,'" Stephanopoulos added.

An analysis of historical documents supports Stephanopoulos' claim, and confirms that the past 55 winning presidential candidates—with the exception of a dying Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1944—all strongly maintained they would be good or great presidents throughout their campaigns, and never hinted otherwise.

"I think Sen. Obama may have opened up a slight window for John McCain here," New York Times reporter David Sanger said during Wednesday's taping of Charlie Rose. "If the McCain camp can find some way to exploit this miscue, it could have the potential to be a real game-changer."

However, a CNN poll taken moments after Obama's speech revealed that the candidate's misstep may have simply gotten lost amid the 24-hour news cycle. Though most citizens said they would prefer a candidate who thinks he'd be a good president, 23 percent said they would still vote for someone who thinks he would make an okay president. Furthermore, 35 percent of citizens said they would vote for a nominee who promised to be a serviceable, or even a so-so, president.

Forty-two percent of citizens polled said that, at this point, a "just plain bad" president would also be good enough.

"I am more certain than ever that I will vote for Obama," Windham, NH resident James Kilner said. "This is the first time I have really connected with a candidate, mainly because I think I would make a pretty bad president, too."

As of press time, the McCain camp has yet to respond to the potentially damaging blunder. However, many feel this is exactly what the Arizona senator needed following a mistake he made earlier in the week when he said that "a vote for McCain is a vote for mass genocide."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close