adBlockCheck

Iams Executives Scrambling To Figure Out Why Brand Is Losing 2- To 4-Year-Old Chocolate Labs

Top Headlines

Recent News

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Iams Executives Scrambling To Figure Out Why Brand Is Losing 2- To 4-Year-Old Chocolate Labs

Top corporate brass at Iams are doing whatever they can to woo the elusive chocolate-lab market back.
Top corporate brass at Iams are doing whatever they can to woo the elusive chocolate-lab market back.

MASON, OH—Frantic executives of the Iams pet food corporation convened an emergency meeting Wednesday to address the brand's increasingly poor sales among 2- to 4-year-old chocolate-colored Labrador retrievers, company sources reported.

High-ranking employees confirmed Iams has struggled to retain the allegiance of this coveted demographic, which is regarded by the company as a potential revenue engine on par with the perennially hot 5- to 8-year-old dachshund market.

A chocolate-lab

"We are absolutely hemorrhaging postadolescent chocolate labs, and no one seems to have any idea why," Iams chief Dan Rajczak told reporters. "I don't know where we went wrong or how it got to this point, but if we don't win back some of these under-5 chocolates in a big hurry, we can kiss our first-quarter revenue targets goodbye."

"We're not talking about some small-potato demo like newborn Bernese mountain dogs here," Rajczak added. "It's chocolate labs 2 to 4, for God's sake. This is big time."

According to 18 months' worth of sales data, both long- and short-haired chocolate labs have steadily moved away from Iams' range of product offerings, including its ProActive Health canned wet line, Tartar Treats breath-freshening dental chews, and its popular weight-control formulas.

Additionally, reports indicated that the crucial group has all but abandoned the company's pot-roast-flavored Savory Sauce liquid dog-food topping.

"It makes no sense. We're mystified," marketing director Michel Brousset said. "We specially formulated our kibble with prebiotics and antioxidants essential for active sporting breeds, and our beef-in-gravy line tested through the goddamn roof in our 2- to 4-year-old chocolate-lab focus groups just last year."

Added Brousset, "And I thought these dogs were supposed to be loyal."

This latest development is expected to complicate the financial outlook for Iams, which just last year saw its stock downgraded after leadership failed to capitalize on the emerging Labradoodle market.

While they reportedly account for just 8 percent of Iams' total sales, 2- to 4-year-old chocolate labs are considered a vital growth area in the highly competitive mid- to large-sized family dog sector. The behavior of these trendsetting canines is seen as a bellwether for retrievers of all ages.

"Numbers don't lie, and we need to stop the bleeding now, or next thing you know we'll be losing yellow labs, black labs, and—I can't even believe I'm saying this—goldens," Rajczak said. "Meanwhile, Alpo and Pedigree are practically selling sawdust for dog food, but they're killing us in all the major markets: 8- to 12-year-old huskies, 6-year-old Chow Chows, sheepdog puppies, and, hell, even spaniel seniors."

Rajczak said Iams could not afford a loss on the scale experienced in 2004, when it "shit the bed on the whole Chihuahua craze," forcing the company to "play catch-up with those cunts over at Mighty Dog."

Executives have brainstormed several strategies aimed at regaining the retriever demographic, including signing chocolate-lab enthusiast Bill Clinton as a spokesperson, obtaining an exclusive contract with the popular dog-bowl maker K&H, and conducting a stealth marketing campaign in upscale boarding kennels and other areas with high concentrations of 2- to 4-year-old chocolate labs.

All such ideas, however, were dismissed as "blatant pandering" by Rajczak, who noted that "these dogs can smell bullshit from a mile away."

While Iams' Labrador losses have reportedly been offset thus far by the company's dominant 86 percent market share among adult Great Danes, executives remained deeply worried about the company's future.

"Sure, 6- to 8-year-old Great Danes can keep us afloat in the short-term," Rajczak said. "But we can't rely on them forever. They'll all be dead by 2012."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close