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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Iditarod Musher Limiting Self To Eating Just One Husky Per Day

GALENA, AK—Stressing the importance of pacing oneself over the course of the 1,000-mile dog sledding race, veteran Iditarod musher Paul Gebhardt told reporters Thursday that he always makes sure to limit himself to eating just one husky per day. “The Iditarod is a long, strenuous race, and you’re going to find yourself in serious trouble if you eat up all your sled dogs too early,” said Gebhardt, noting that he has long restricted himself to butchering, skinning, and devouring only a single husky at the end of a long day on the trail, making sure to always finish the entire dog before slaughtering a new one. “A lot of the younger guys don’t know how to ration their dogs; they’re wolfing down three or four a day at the get-go, and then they get themselves into a situation where they’ve got nothing left to eat down the stretch. I always tell them: Slow down, or you’re going to be kicking yourself when you’re still 80 miles from the finish line and you’re gnawing on your last hind leg. You need to stay disciplined.” Gebhardt added that following the Iditarod, there’s nothing more rewarding than getting home and immediately slaughtering and feasting on his remaining dogs.

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