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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Iditarod Musher Limiting Self To Eating Just One Husky Per Day

GALENA, AK—Stressing the importance of pacing oneself over the course of the 1,000-mile dog sledding race, veteran Iditarod musher Paul Gebhardt told reporters Thursday that he always makes sure to limit himself to eating just one husky per day. “The Iditarod is a long, strenuous race, and you’re going to find yourself in serious trouble if you eat up all your sled dogs too early,” said Gebhardt, noting that he has long restricted himself to butchering, skinning, and devouring only a single husky at the end of a long day on the trail, making sure to always finish the entire dog before slaughtering a new one. “A lot of the younger guys don’t know how to ration their dogs; they’re wolfing down three or four a day at the get-go, and then they get themselves into a situation where they’ve got nothing left to eat down the stretch. I always tell them: Slow down, or you’re going to be kicking yourself when you’re still 80 miles from the finish line and you’re gnawing on your last hind leg. You need to stay disciplined.” Gebhardt added that following the Iditarod, there’s nothing more rewarding than getting home and immediately slaughtering and feasting on his remaining dogs.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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