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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Iditarod Musher Limiting Self To Eating Just One Husky Per Day

GALENA, AK—Stressing the importance of pacing oneself over the course of the 1,000-mile dog sledding race, veteran Iditarod musher Paul Gebhardt told reporters Thursday that he always makes sure to limit himself to eating just one husky per day. “The Iditarod is a long, strenuous race, and you’re going to find yourself in serious trouble if you eat up all your sled dogs too early,” said Gebhardt, noting that he has long restricted himself to butchering, skinning, and devouring only a single husky at the end of a long day on the trail, making sure to always finish the entire dog before slaughtering a new one. “A lot of the younger guys don’t know how to ration their dogs; they’re wolfing down three or four a day at the get-go, and then they get themselves into a situation where they’ve got nothing left to eat down the stretch. I always tell them: Slow down, or you’re going to be kicking yourself when you’re still 80 miles from the finish line and you’re gnawing on your last hind leg. You need to stay disciplined.” Gebhardt added that following the Iditarod, there’s nothing more rewarding than getting home and immediately slaughtering and feasting on his remaining dogs.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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