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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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If Area Dad Steps On Legos One More Time

DARLINGTON, SC—According to loud reports from within the Kaminsky household Tuesday, if area father Russell Kaminsky steps on one more goddamn Lego, man, forget about it. "Gaaaaaaaaaa!" shouted Kaminsky, grimacing as he extracted a blue, two-peg Lego brick from his right instep. "I've told you a hundred times. This is it, this is the last warning: I step on one more Lego, and no one will ever step on another Lego in this house ever again, I promise." Observers are questioning Kaminsky's willingness to actually follow through on the threat, citing his failure to deliver on his Lincoln Logs ultimatum of last March.

After Birth

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