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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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'If Only Sully Had Been Flying Those Planes On 9/11,' Grade-A Idiot Remarks

MARTINSVILLE, VA—Reflecting on the events of Sept. 11, 2001, grade-A moron Dennis Lloyd remarked aloud to friends Sunday that the tragedy likely would have been averted had the hijacked airliners been captained that day by Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, the commercial pilot famed for safely landing US Airways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River in 2009. "You just know Sully would've had things under control and landed that plane in downtown New York or right on top of the Pentagon if he had to," said the colossal imbecile, revealing a staggering ignorance of that day's circumstances, the brutal tactics used by the hijackers, and basic physics. "He would've been 10 years younger at the time, too, so if anyone tried to get into the cockpit, he would've just thrown a few elbows and ended things right there." The unbelievable idiot also concluded the 9/11 attacks could have been prevented if the Navy's SEAL Team Six had been in charge of the World Trade Center.

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