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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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'If Only Sully Had Been Flying Those Planes On 9/11,' Grade-A Idiot Remarks

MARTINSVILLE, VA—Reflecting on the events of Sept. 11, 2001, grade-A moron Dennis Lloyd remarked aloud to friends Sunday that the tragedy likely would have been averted had the hijacked airliners been captained that day by Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, the commercial pilot famed for safely landing US Airways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River in 2009. "You just know Sully would've had things under control and landed that plane in downtown New York or right on top of the Pentagon if he had to," said the colossal imbecile, revealing a staggering ignorance of that day's circumstances, the brutal tactics used by the hijackers, and basic physics. "He would've been 10 years younger at the time, too, so if anyone tried to get into the cockpit, he would've just thrown a few elbows and ended things right there." The unbelievable idiot also concluded the 9/11 attacks could have been prevented if the Navy's SEAL Team Six had been in charge of the World Trade Center.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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