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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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'If Only Sully Had Been Flying Those Planes On 9/11,' Grade-A Idiot Remarks

MARTINSVILLE, VA—Reflecting on the events of Sept. 11, 2001, grade-A moron Dennis Lloyd remarked aloud to friends Sunday that the tragedy likely would have been averted had the hijacked airliners been captained that day by Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, the commercial pilot famed for safely landing US Airways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River in 2009. "You just know Sully would've had things under control and landed that plane in downtown New York or right on top of the Pentagon if he had to," said the colossal imbecile, revealing a staggering ignorance of that day's circumstances, the brutal tactics used by the hijackers, and basic physics. "He would've been 10 years younger at the time, too, so if anyone tried to get into the cockpit, he would've just thrown a few elbows and ended things right there." The unbelievable idiot also concluded the 9/11 attacks could have been prevented if the Navy's SEAL Team Six had been in charge of the World Trade Center.

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