Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

SPRINGFIELD, IL—The State of Illinois acknowledged last week that in an effort to stay afloat during the worst financial crisis in its history, it had begun performing in adult films.

Sales from Illinois' latest adult feature have helped fund the planting of six new trees in Chicago parks.

Officials said that since ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, Illinois has been actively pursuing roles in sexually explicit direct-to-DVD features, but is only doing so until it can get back on its feet.

"The truth is, we're facing an unprecedented revenue shortfall and must consider every option on the table," state comptroller Daniel Hynes told reporters. "This temporary porn work—which, again, is only our short-term strategy—will provide the much-needed influx of capital we've been looking for."

"It's not even that big a deal," continued Hynes, noting that other states, such as Minnesota, had been forced to enact their own emergency programs by cutting social ser≠vices. "We need the cash, and anyway, it's mainly just Playboy-type stuff that most people these days would probably find pretty tame."

According to the Internet Adult Film Database, Illinois has already appeared in more than two dozen movies, including Little Sluts On The Prairie and the popular Illinois Does Dallas. Using the stage name Lincoln Violet, the state has played a number of stock adult film roles, including a cheerleader, a nurse, and the State of Ohio.

Thus far, according to documents, earnings from Illinois' adult films have provided $2,800 for state pensions, $2,150 for highway maintenance, and $1,075 in small-business loans, as well as smaller amounts for state parks, affordable housing, and after-school programs. These figures were reportedly lower than expected, as the state was really counting on payments from the production company Legendary Cherry Films, whose checks did not clear.

"Look, sometimes you just don't have a choice," Gov. Pat Quinn said. "No one's stepped up to fund Illinois' special-education programs or infrastructure improvements, so we have to do what we have to do. Nobody has the right to judge us. Not you, not anybody."

"Luckily, we've got a manager now," Quinn continued. "Jerry's been in the game a long time, and he's really looking out for us. He's been like a father figure."

Reached for comment, Jerry praised Illinois as a sweetheart with an innocent Midwestern look, adding that the state could be making a lot more if it would get some decent implants and maybe try some "harder" material.

"The whole state-next-door thing is nice and all, but to make it in this business you got to be willing to do anything on camera—you know, the edgy stuff," Jerry said. "Just look at Wyoming. Ask Wyoming to do a gang-bang, mother-daughter action, choking, whatever, and it's 'lights, camera, action' every time."

Added Jerry, "That state's a freak."

Reaction within the pornography community has been positive so far, with the state even earning a coveted AVN nomination for "Best Oral Sex Scene" thanks to a poolside sequence from Mouth Capades in which a semicircle of well-endowed men simultaneously ejaculate onto the state's Capitol Building.

In response to concerns about the long-term effects of the fiscal recovery plan, officials have sought to assure citizens in recent days that there are certain nonnegotiable limits the state would never breach no matter how badly its economy faltered.

"I want to be perfectly clear on one thing," Quinn said. "Illinois does not do anal. I don't care how many times someone tells us that just one double-penetration scene will help keep the state's homeless shelters open for another winter or put an additional 150 state troopers on the road. There's a line we simply will not cross."

Added Quinn, "Well, I mean, it'd have to be a lot of money."

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