Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

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VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

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VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

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Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

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Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

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Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

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Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

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Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

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Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

SPRINGFIELD, IL—The State of Illinois acknowledged last week that in an effort to stay afloat during the worst financial crisis in its history, it had begun performing in adult films.

Sales from Illinois' latest adult feature have helped fund the planting of six new trees in Chicago parks.

Officials said that since ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, Illinois has been actively pursuing roles in sexually explicit direct-to-DVD features, but is only doing so until it can get back on its feet.

"The truth is, we're facing an unprecedented revenue shortfall and must consider every option on the table," state comptroller Daniel Hynes told reporters. "This temporary porn work—which, again, is only our short-term strategy—will provide the much-needed influx of capital we've been looking for."

"It's not even that big a deal," continued Hynes, noting that other states, such as Minnesota, had been forced to enact their own emergency programs by cutting social ser≠vices. "We need the cash, and anyway, it's mainly just Playboy-type stuff that most people these days would probably find pretty tame."

According to the Internet Adult Film Database, Illinois has already appeared in more than two dozen movies, including Little Sluts On The Prairie and the popular Illinois Does Dallas. Using the stage name Lincoln Violet, the state has played a number of stock adult film roles, including a cheerleader, a nurse, and the State of Ohio.

Thus far, according to documents, earnings from Illinois' adult films have provided $2,800 for state pensions, $2,150 for highway maintenance, and $1,075 in small-business loans, as well as smaller amounts for state parks, affordable housing, and after-school programs. These figures were reportedly lower than expected, as the state was really counting on payments from the production company Legendary Cherry Films, whose checks did not clear.

"Look, sometimes you just don't have a choice," Gov. Pat Quinn said. "No one's stepped up to fund Illinois' special-education programs or infrastructure improvements, so we have to do what we have to do. Nobody has the right to judge us. Not you, not anybody."

"Luckily, we've got a manager now," Quinn continued. "Jerry's been in the game a long time, and he's really looking out for us. He's been like a father figure."

Reached for comment, Jerry praised Illinois as a sweetheart with an innocent Midwestern look, adding that the state could be making a lot more if it would get some decent implants and maybe try some "harder" material.

"The whole state-next-door thing is nice and all, but to make it in this business you got to be willing to do anything on camera—you know, the edgy stuff," Jerry said. "Just look at Wyoming. Ask Wyoming to do a gang-bang, mother-daughter action, choking, whatever, and it's 'lights, camera, action' every time."

Added Jerry, "That state's a freak."

Reaction within the pornography community has been positive so far, with the state even earning a coveted AVN nomination for "Best Oral Sex Scene" thanks to a poolside sequence from Mouth Capades in which a semicircle of well-endowed men simultaneously ejaculate onto the state's Capitol Building.

In response to concerns about the long-term effects of the fiscal recovery plan, officials have sought to assure citizens in recent days that there are certain nonnegotiable limits the state would never breach no matter how badly its economy faltered.

"I want to be perfectly clear on one thing," Quinn said. "Illinois does not do anal. I don't care how many times someone tells us that just one double-penetration scene will help keep the state's homeless shelters open for another winter or put an additional 150 state troopers on the road. There's a line we simply will not cross."

Added Quinn, "Well, I mean, it'd have to be a lot of money."