Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

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Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

SPRINGFIELD, IL—The State of Illinois acknowledged last week that in an effort to stay afloat during the worst financial crisis in its history, it had begun performing in adult films.

Sales from Illinois' latest adult feature have helped fund the planting of six new trees in Chicago parks.

Officials said that since ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, Illinois has been actively pursuing roles in sexually explicit direct-to-DVD features, but is only doing so until it can get back on its feet.

"The truth is, we're facing an unprecedented revenue shortfall and must consider every option on the table," state comptroller Daniel Hynes told reporters. "This temporary porn work—which, again, is only our short-term strategy—will provide the much-needed influx of capital we've been looking for."

"It's not even that big a deal," continued Hynes, noting that other states, such as Minnesota, had been forced to enact their own emergency programs by cutting social ser≠vices. "We need the cash, and anyway, it's mainly just Playboy-type stuff that most people these days would probably find pretty tame."

According to the Internet Adult Film Database, Illinois has already appeared in more than two dozen movies, including Little Sluts On The Prairie and the popular Illinois Does Dallas. Using the stage name Lincoln Violet, the state has played a number of stock adult film roles, including a cheerleader, a nurse, and the State of Ohio.

Thus far, according to documents, earnings from Illinois' adult films have provided $2,800 for state pensions, $2,150 for highway maintenance, and $1,075 in small-business loans, as well as smaller amounts for state parks, affordable housing, and after-school programs. These figures were reportedly lower than expected, as the state was really counting on payments from the production company Legendary Cherry Films, whose checks did not clear.

"Look, sometimes you just don't have a choice," Gov. Pat Quinn said. "No one's stepped up to fund Illinois' special-education programs or infrastructure improvements, so we have to do what we have to do. Nobody has the right to judge us. Not you, not anybody."

"Luckily, we've got a manager now," Quinn continued. "Jerry's been in the game a long time, and he's really looking out for us. He's been like a father figure."

Reached for comment, Jerry praised Illinois as a sweetheart with an innocent Midwestern look, adding that the state could be making a lot more if it would get some decent implants and maybe try some "harder" material.

"The whole state-next-door thing is nice and all, but to make it in this business you got to be willing to do anything on camera—you know, the edgy stuff," Jerry said. "Just look at Wyoming. Ask Wyoming to do a gang-bang, mother-daughter action, choking, whatever, and it's 'lights, camera, action' every time."

Added Jerry, "That state's a freak."

Reaction within the pornography community has been positive so far, with the state even earning a coveted AVN nomination for "Best Oral Sex Scene" thanks to a poolside sequence from Mouth Capades in which a semicircle of well-endowed men simultaneously ejaculate onto the state's Capitol Building.

In response to concerns about the long-term effects of the fiscal recovery plan, officials have sought to assure citizens in recent days that there are certain nonnegotiable limits the state would never breach no matter how badly its economy faltered.

"I want to be perfectly clear on one thing," Quinn said. "Illinois does not do anal. I don't care how many times someone tells us that just one double-penetration scene will help keep the state's homeless shelters open for another winter or put an additional 150 state troopers on the road. There's a line we simply will not cross."

Added Quinn, "Well, I mean, it'd have to be a lot of money."