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NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

SPRINGFIELD, IL—The State of Illinois acknowledged last week that in an effort to stay afloat during the worst financial crisis in its history, it had begun performing in adult films.

Sales from Illinois' latest adult feature have helped fund the planting of six new trees in Chicago parks.

Officials said that since ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, Illinois has been actively pursuing roles in sexually explicit direct-to-DVD features, but is only doing so until it can get back on its feet.

"The truth is, we're facing an unprecedented revenue shortfall and must consider every option on the table," state comptroller Daniel Hynes told reporters. "This temporary porn work—which, again, is only our short-term strategy—will provide the much-needed influx of capital we've been looking for."

"It's not even that big a deal," continued Hynes, noting that other states, such as Minnesota, had been forced to enact their own emergency programs by cutting social ser≠vices. "We need the cash, and anyway, it's mainly just Playboy-type stuff that most people these days would probably find pretty tame."

According to the Internet Adult Film Database, Illinois has already appeared in more than two dozen movies, including Little Sluts On The Prairie and the popular Illinois Does Dallas. Using the stage name Lincoln Violet, the state has played a number of stock adult film roles, including a cheerleader, a nurse, and the State of Ohio.

Thus far, according to documents, earnings from Illinois' adult films have provided $2,800 for state pensions, $2,150 for highway maintenance, and $1,075 in small-business loans, as well as smaller amounts for state parks, affordable housing, and after-school programs. These figures were reportedly lower than expected, as the state was really counting on payments from the production company Legendary Cherry Films, whose checks did not clear.

"Look, sometimes you just don't have a choice," Gov. Pat Quinn said. "No one's stepped up to fund Illinois' special-education programs or infrastructure improvements, so we have to do what we have to do. Nobody has the right to judge us. Not you, not anybody."

"Luckily, we've got a manager now," Quinn continued. "Jerry's been in the game a long time, and he's really looking out for us. He's been like a father figure."

Reached for comment, Jerry praised Illinois as a sweetheart with an innocent Midwestern look, adding that the state could be making a lot more if it would get some decent implants and maybe try some "harder" material.

"The whole state-next-door thing is nice and all, but to make it in this business you got to be willing to do anything on camera—you know, the edgy stuff," Jerry said. "Just look at Wyoming. Ask Wyoming to do a gang-bang, mother-daughter action, choking, whatever, and it's 'lights, camera, action' every time."

Added Jerry, "That state's a freak."

Reaction within the pornography community has been positive so far, with the state even earning a coveted AVN nomination for "Best Oral Sex Scene" thanks to a poolside sequence from Mouth Capades in which a semicircle of well-endowed men simultaneously ejaculate onto the state's Capitol Building.

In response to concerns about the long-term effects of the fiscal recovery plan, officials have sought to assure citizens in recent days that there are certain nonnegotiable limits the state would never breach no matter how badly its economy faltered.

"I want to be perfectly clear on one thing," Quinn said. "Illinois does not do anal. I don't care how many times someone tells us that just one double-penetration scene will help keep the state's homeless shelters open for another winter or put an additional 150 state troopers on the road. There's a line we simply will not cross."

Added Quinn, "Well, I mean, it'd have to be a lot of money."

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