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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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'I'm Doing Just Fine,' Filthy, Unshaven Isiah Thomas Reports Into Banana

NEW YORK—Speaking directly into a banana he evidently believed a reporter was holding, an unkempt and soiled Isiah Thomas held a makeshift press conference inside a cardboard box Tuesday to inform pedestrians walking past Madison Square Garden that he was "doing all right." "I'm just concentrating on helping out around here," said the former Knicks executive and head coach, who addressed a man dropping change into the soup can in front of him as Nate Robinson. "You gotta go strong to the rim, Nate! Now get back here and practice that until you get it right. You want me to keep you on the bench? You stay away from the bench, that's mine." Thomas reportedly ended the news conference with an incoherent closing statement before returning the banana to his urine-soaked pants.

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