'I'm Doing Just Fine,' Filthy, Unshaven Isiah Thomas Reports Into Banana

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Vol 45 Issue 12

Oh No, Performers Coming Into Audience

PITTSBURGH—"Their smiles are so big," a female theatergoer said while pretending to look for something in her purse. "Why does that one have a cordless microphone? Is he going to try to talk to us?"
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

'I'm Doing Just Fine,' Filthy, Unshaven Isiah Thomas Reports Into Banana

NEW YORK—Speaking directly into a banana he evidently believed a reporter was holding, an unkempt and soiled Isiah Thomas held a makeshift press conference inside a cardboard box Tuesday to inform pedestrians walking past Madison Square Garden that he was "doing all right." "I'm just concentrating on helping out around here," said the former Knicks executive and head coach, who addressed a man dropping change into the soup can in front of him as Nate Robinson. "You gotta go strong to the rim, Nate! Now get back here and practice that until you get it right. You want me to keep you on the bench? You stay away from the bench, that's mine." Thomas reportedly ended the news conference with an incoherent closing statement before returning the banana to his urine-soaked pants.

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