MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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‘I’m Just Here To Win Football Games,’ Says 22-Year-Old Draft Pick Who Will Get Everyone Fired

CHICAGO—Saying that he is solely focused on becoming the best quarterback possible, a 22-year-old first-round draft pick who will get most of the franchise leadership fired told reporters Monday that he is “just here to win football games.” “Making it to the NFL has always been my dream, and I’m really excited to go out there and have some fun playing the sport I love,” said the second overall pick, whose poor on-field performance and lack of noticeable improvement over the next three years will lead to the terminations of his head coach, offensive coordinator, head scout, GM, and 70 percent of the front office staff before he himself is released the following season. “I just want to show what I’m made of and leave it all out there for the team. I’m ready to prove myself and help take us to the next level.” The draft pick also added he was excited to deliver a championship to the fans that will one day burn his jersey in effigy.

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