The Week In Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.
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‘I’m Just Here To Win Football Games,’ Says 22-Year-Old Draft Pick Who Will Get Everyone Fired

CHICAGO—Saying that he is solely focused on becoming the best quarterback possible, a 22-year-old first-round draft pick who will get most of the franchise leadership fired told reporters Monday that he is “just here to win football games.” “Making it to the NFL has always been my dream, and I’m really excited to go out there and have some fun playing the sport I love,” said the second overall pick, whose poor on-field performance and lack of noticeable improvement over the next three years will lead to the terminations of his head coach, offensive coordinator, head scout, GM, and 70 percent of the front office staff before he himself is released the following season. “I just want to show what I’m made of and leave it all out there for the team. I’m ready to prove myself and help take us to the next level.” The draft pick also added he was excited to deliver a championship to the fans that will one day burn his jersey in effigy.

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