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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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‘I’m Trump All The Way,’ Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to statements made Monday by local resident David Kearney, a 36-year-old delivery driver who will die in a fireworks mishap months before the general election, he is “a Trump man all the way.” “I like what Trump has to say—he isn’t afraid to take on anyone,” said the man who, long before November, will be pronounced dead on arrival at a nearby hospital after duct-taping several M-80s together in his backyard, lighting the self-rigged explosive device, and then, after accidentally knocking the mortar tube on its side while attempting to run away from the blast, will suffer severe trauma as his “Stone Cold” Steve Austin shirt and cargo shorts are set ablaze while his horrified family looks on. “The politicians in Washington lie to our faces. Trump’s the only one who tells the truth. He’ll turn the country around.” Kearney said he was convinced to vote for Trump by the candidate’s debate performances, events he was narrowly able to witness following a close call last summer when his ATV overturned at high speed after he lost control of the vehicle while firing a handgun at a stop sign.

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