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‘I’m Trump All The Way,’ Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election

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Election 2016

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.

Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.
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‘I’m Trump All The Way,’ Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to statements made Monday by local resident David Kearney, a 36-year-old delivery driver who will die in a fireworks mishap months before the general election, he is “a Trump man all the way.” “I like what Trump has to say—he isn’t afraid to take on anyone,” said the man who, long before November, will be pronounced dead on arrival at a nearby hospital after duct-taping several M-80s together in his backyard, lighting the self-rigged explosive device, and then, after accidentally knocking the mortar tube on its side while attempting to run away from the blast, will suffer severe trauma as his “Stone Cold” Steve Austin shirt and cargo shorts are set ablaze while his horrified family looks on. “The politicians in Washington lie to our faces. Trump’s the only one who tells the truth. He’ll turn the country around.” Kearney said he was convinced to vote for Trump by the candidate’s debate performances, events he was narrowly able to witness following a close call last summer when his ATV overturned at high speed after he lost control of the vehicle while firing a handgun at a stop sign.

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