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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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‘I’m Trump All The Way,’ Says Man Who Will Die From Mishandling Fireworks Months Before Election

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to statements made Monday by local resident David Kearney, a 36-year-old delivery driver who will die in a fireworks mishap months before the general election, he is “a Trump man all the way.” “I like what Trump has to say—he isn’t afraid to take on anyone,” said the man who, long before November, will be pronounced dead on arrival at a nearby hospital after duct-taping several M-80s together in his backyard, lighting the self-rigged explosive device, and then, after accidentally knocking the mortar tube on its side while attempting to run away from the blast, will suffer severe trauma as his “Stone Cold” Steve Austin shirt and cargo shorts are set ablaze while his horrified family looks on. “The politicians in Washington lie to our faces. Trump’s the only one who tells the truth. He’ll turn the country around.” Kearney said he was convinced to vote for Trump by the candidate’s debate performances, events he was narrowly able to witness following a close call last summer when his ATV overturned at high speed after he lost control of the vehicle while firing a handgun at a stop sign.

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