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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Imaginary Brain Tumor Spreading Rapidly

CUMBERLAND, MD—Independent bookstore cashier Jay Graham has an imaginary brain tumor that is quickly spreading through his body and will ultimately reach his lungs, kidneys, and bones unless he receives treatment immediately.

"I knew it was a tumor several days ago when my headache lingered even after I took two aspirin," Graham said of the imaginary growth, which he estimated to be "approximately the size of a cantaloupe," despite the lack of any noticeable swelling in and around his cranial area. "Yesterday I'm pretty sure it broke into two tumors, one of which I think is behind my left eye, since I noticed some slight blurring in my vision two minutes ago. I can't have much time left."

Sources close to Graham remain confident he will pull through, citing the fact that he has already survived two imaginary cardiac arrests, three imaginary embolisms, and at least five cases of exposure to imaginary weaponized anthrax.

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