adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Imaginary Brain Tumor Spreading Rapidly

CUMBERLAND, MD—Independent bookstore cashier Jay Graham has an imaginary brain tumor that is quickly spreading through his body and will ultimately reach his lungs, kidneys, and bones unless he receives treatment immediately.

"I knew it was a tumor several days ago when my headache lingered even after I took two aspirin," Graham said of the imaginary growth, which he estimated to be "approximately the size of a cantaloupe," despite the lack of any noticeable swelling in and around his cranial area. "Yesterday I'm pretty sure it broke into two tumors, one of which I think is behind my left eye, since I noticed some slight blurring in my vision two minutes ago. I can't have much time left."

Sources close to Graham remain confident he will pull through, citing the fact that he has already survived two imaginary cardiac arrests, three imaginary embolisms, and at least five cases of exposure to imaginary weaponized anthrax.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close