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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Imaginary Brain Tumor Spreading Rapidly

CUMBERLAND, MD—Independent bookstore cashier Jay Graham has an imaginary brain tumor that is quickly spreading through his body and will ultimately reach his lungs, kidneys, and bones unless he receives treatment immediately.

"I knew it was a tumor several days ago when my headache lingered even after I took two aspirin," Graham said of the imaginary growth, which he estimated to be "approximately the size of a cantaloupe," despite the lack of any noticeable swelling in and around his cranial area. "Yesterday I'm pretty sure it broke into two tumors, one of which I think is behind my left eye, since I noticed some slight blurring in my vision two minutes ago. I can't have much time left."

Sources close to Graham remain confident he will pull through, citing the fact that he has already survived two imaginary cardiac arrests, three imaginary embolisms, and at least five cases of exposure to imaginary weaponized anthrax.

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