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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Imaginary Brain Tumor Spreading Rapidly

CUMBERLAND, MD—Independent bookstore cashier Jay Graham has an imaginary brain tumor that is quickly spreading through his body and will ultimately reach his lungs, kidneys, and bones unless he receives treatment immediately.

"I knew it was a tumor several days ago when my headache lingered even after I took two aspirin," Graham said of the imaginary growth, which he estimated to be "approximately the size of a cantaloupe," despite the lack of any noticeable swelling in and around his cranial area. "Yesterday I'm pretty sure it broke into two tumors, one of which I think is behind my left eye, since I noticed some slight blurring in my vision two minutes ago. I can't have much time left."

Sources close to Graham remain confident he will pull through, citing the fact that he has already survived two imaginary cardiac arrests, three imaginary embolisms, and at least five cases of exposure to imaginary weaponized anthrax.

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