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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Immigrant Also Applying To A Few Reach Countries

LUANG PRABANG, LAOS—Noting that his consular officer said it couldn’t hurt to take a chance on a few long shots, prospective immigrant Soukan Chitmany told reporters Monday that, in addition to applying for permanent residence in a number of more accessible nations, he’s also submitting applications to a handful of reach countries. “I’m pretty sure I’m a lock for Chile, but I’d really love to get into one of the Scandinavians,” said Chitmany, adding that he could only hope that his clean criminal record, status as a skilled laborer, and lack of tuberculosis would be enough to impress the immigration departments of his various dream countries. “I’m going to try for Australia too, but I know they’ve got a really strong applicant pool. Both my cousins got into Germany, and my brother’s in his third year in Luxembourg, so I’m definitely feeling the pressure to live up to that. My friend got into the United States, but everyone knows it’s only because his uncle sponsored him.” Chitmany added that he also plans to apply to Singapore, which he said is a little less well-known but has a reputation as “the Japan of the South.”

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