Immigration Officials Beef Up U.S.-Mexican Border With Pure Beef

In This Section

Vol 30 Issue 14

New Fox Sitcom Outrageous

LOS ANGELES—According to television-industry insiders, the new Fox sitcom scheduled to debut Nov. 17 is outrageous.

Last Week's Trek Pretty Awesome

LOS ANGELES—Last week's Trek—a Next Generation rerun in which the crew of the Enterprise is transported beyond all known dimensions of time and space by a semi-godlike alien evolved beyond all human comprehension—was "pretty awesome," according to reports. "Worf learned a valuable lesson about his adoptive human parents when a hologram created by the energy being confronted him with his troubled past," said longtime Trekker and part-time pizza delivery driver Brad Sponel. "It was pretty awesome." Sources also say that Picard and Crusher almost kissed during a mind-meld sequence, but stopped at the last minute.

Crunch 'N' Munch Increases Crunchiness, Munchability

MUNICH—Popular snack-food item Crunch 'n' Munch, long praised for both its crunchiness and its munchability, became even crunchier and more munchable this week, when Crunch 'n' Munch research teams increased the product's famed "crunchiness" and "munchability" by over 30 percent. "Our goal is to make Crunch 'n' Munch the most crunchy—and munchable—snack-food item we possibly can," said Crunch 'n' Munch's Helmut Krauntz. "When someone feels hungry, whether their desire is to crunch or merely to munch, we want them to turn to our Crunch 'n' Munch products to meet both their crunchiness and munchability needs."

Jamie Crying

LOS ANGELES—According to local authorities, Jamie, 17, is crying, reportedly over a post-coital rejection by rock star David Lee Roth. "Although Jamie would feel better if she wrote David a letter, she is crying," said former Van Halen manager Eddie Arnesen. Though sources say Jamie has been in love before, and that she knows what love is for, in this case it was a mere one-night stand, and love should be more than that. Arnesen added that despite the fact that when Roth and Jamie parted, the long-haired, vinyl-clad rocker said, "Gimme a call some time," Jamie knows what that will get her.

I've Got A Lot Of Bad Ideas

Ideas! The sign of a vigorous mind. Ideas! The noblest product of man. Ideas! I love them! I am a man of ideas! I've got tens of ideas! And they're all bad!

Captivated By Carolyn

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy"?

Friendless Woman Bakes, Gives Away Cookies

HANWICH, PA—Unremarkable Hanwich resident Jean Blomun, a middle-aged single woman without friends, baked nearly three dozen cookies Sunday night, giving them away the next day to co-workers at the office where she has worked unnoticed for years.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Innovation

Immigration Officials Beef Up U.S.-Mexican Border With Pure Beef

EL PASO, TX—In an effort to beef up security measures along the U.S.-Mexican border, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service announced Monday that the border will soon be fortified with 1,200 miles of pure beef.

A Mexican attempts to jump over the 15-foot-high wall of beef guarding the U.S. border. Minutes after this photo was taken, the man was captured and returned to Mexico, unsuccessful but fully satiated.

"America has drawn a line in the sand," INS official Frank Wilhelm said. "And that line is made of meat."

According to Wilhelm, the immense, 15-foot-high wall of pure beef, which will extend from the Pacific to the Gulf of Mexico along the Rio Grande, will make border crossing all but impossible.

"This beef will be cooked sizzling hot, so hot that it will be extremely painful to climb over," said INS chief Kent Roker. "And even if a Mexican does get across, they will be so full that they won't run far."

Just this morning, Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, resident Jorge Gutierrez, 43, a poor, unskilled laborer who had managed to successfully climb over the beef barrier, was found by Texas state troopers sitting by the side of the road, holding his belly, picking his teeth, and moaning, "Aye, caramba, am I stuffed!"

Border Patrol authorities described Gutierrez's condition as "full," adding that the would-be immigrant did not run or hide when spotted, due to sleepiness and lethargy induced by consumption of enormous quantities of beef.

Gutierrez was treated at nearby Santa Maria Hospital for indigestion and extensive second-degree grease burns; given new clothes; and then turned over to INS authorities for deportation.

Those who, unlike Gutierrez, do manage to escape are "easily tracked" by INS dog teams, specially trained to follow the scent of the spicy, mouth-watering seasonings the federal government stirs into the sizzling hot beef wall twice daily.

"This is real beef, for real Americans," INS official Ted Stake said. "Most of your foreigner types just don't have the stomach for that much hearty, lip-smacking meat, living as they do on subsistence diets of tortillas and beans."

Though the beef wall already has had an enormous effect, reducing the number of illegal entries to the U.S. by 35 percent over the last week alone, the project has not been without its costs.

"The harsh climate of the Southwestern U.S. is largely inhospitable to perishables such as the grease-slathered mounds of meat used in the beef shield," said Department of Agriculture Undersecretary Joseph Timmins. "Temperatures along the Rio Grande can reach 110 degrees in the shade on a typical afternoon, and for an operation like this, that means one thing: spoilage."

At present, the U.S. is spending over $22 billion per week to deliver massive rail shipments of fresh beef to the border three times a day. Budget constraints have necessitated the elimination of a planned $75 trillion grease trap to catch the runoff from the beef barrier's massive hot plate base. Currently, every 60 seconds, 300 tons of congealed grease are dumped directly into the Rio Grande, with environmental damage in the last week alone estimated at $759 billion.

"That much beef is a tall order," Timmins said. "But that's how we do things here in the good old U.S. of A.— big, meaty and ready to take on even the hungriest of hombres. So bring it on, illegal aliens: Let's just see if you've got the stomach to take on this much hot American beef."

Timmins concluded his remarks by holding up a forkful of ground beef, placing it next to his mouth, and smiling directly at the asssembled press, saying: "Mmm... beef!"

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More