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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Immigration Officials Beef Up U.S.-Mexican Border With Pure Beef

EL PASO, TX—In an effort to beef up security measures along the U.S.-Mexican border, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service announced Monday that the border will soon be fortified with 1,200 miles of pure beef.

A Mexican attempts to jump over the 15-foot-high wall of beef guarding the U.S. border. Minutes after this photo was taken, the man was captured and returned to Mexico, unsuccessful but fully satiated.

"America has drawn a line in the sand," INS official Frank Wilhelm said. "And that line is made of meat."

According to Wilhelm, the immense, 15-foot-high wall of pure beef, which will extend from the Pacific to the Gulf of Mexico along the Rio Grande, will make border crossing all but impossible.

"This beef will be cooked sizzling hot, so hot that it will be extremely painful to climb over," said INS chief Kent Roker. "And even if a Mexican does get across, they will be so full that they won't run far."

Just this morning, Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, resident Jorge Gutierrez, 43, a poor, unskilled laborer who had managed to successfully climb over the beef barrier, was found by Texas state troopers sitting by the side of the road, holding his belly, picking his teeth, and moaning, "Aye, caramba, am I stuffed!"

Border Patrol authorities described Gutierrez's condition as "full," adding that the would-be immigrant did not run or hide when spotted, due to sleepiness and lethargy induced by consumption of enormous quantities of beef.

Gutierrez was treated at nearby Santa Maria Hospital for indigestion and extensive second-degree grease burns; given new clothes; and then turned over to INS authorities for deportation.

Those who, unlike Gutierrez, do manage to escape are "easily tracked" by INS dog teams, specially trained to follow the scent of the spicy, mouth-watering seasonings the federal government stirs into the sizzling hot beef wall twice daily.

"This is real beef, for real Americans," INS official Ted Stake said. "Most of your foreigner types just don't have the stomach for that much hearty, lip-smacking meat, living as they do on subsistence diets of tortillas and beans."

Though the beef wall already has had an enormous effect, reducing the number of illegal entries to the U.S. by 35 percent over the last week alone, the project has not been without its costs.

"The harsh climate of the Southwestern U.S. is largely inhospitable to perishables such as the grease-slathered mounds of meat used in the beef shield," said Department of Agriculture Undersecretary Joseph Timmins. "Temperatures along the Rio Grande can reach 110 degrees in the shade on a typical afternoon, and for an operation like this, that means one thing: spoilage."

At present, the U.S. is spending over $22 billion per week to deliver massive rail shipments of fresh beef to the border three times a day. Budget constraints have necessitated the elimination of a planned $75 trillion grease trap to catch the runoff from the beef barrier's massive hot plate base. Currently, every 60 seconds, 300 tons of congealed grease are dumped directly into the Rio Grande, with environmental damage in the last week alone estimated at $759 billion.

"That much beef is a tall order," Timmins said. "But that's how we do things here in the good old U.S. of A.— big, meaty and ready to take on even the hungriest of hombres. So bring it on, illegal aliens: Let's just see if you've got the stomach to take on this much hot American beef."

Timmins concluded his remarks by holding up a forkful of ground beef, placing it next to his mouth, and smiling directly at the asssembled press, saying: "Mmm... beef!"

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

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