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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Impersonal Trainer Couldn't Give A Fuck What You Do With Those Free Weights

LOS ANGELES—Wes Orth Jr., the man considered to be the standard-bearer for a new breed of strong and aloof impersonal trainers, could not care less about the workout regimen of his clients, many of whom say his indifference powers their adrenaline-charged, spite-filled workouts. "Sure, wave those dumbbells around, whatever," Orth said during a typically hands-off training session at his L.A. gym this weekend. "Or just sit on your fat ass—I get paid either way." Orth's newest workout video, Wes Orth Jr. Doesn't Give Two Damp Shits If You Live Strong Or Die Young, debuted at the top of the Amazon DVD sales charts on Monday.

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