Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

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Vol 50 Issue 10

Mark Zuckerberg Calls Obama To Complain About Spying

In an open letter he posted this week, Mark Zuckerberg wrote that he called President Obama to express his concerns about the NSA’s mass surveillance programs, which the Facebook founder considers a huge threat to the future of the internet.

Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Saying they’re trying to tighten their belts where they can and cut back on costly erotica expenses, local couple Christopher and Ellen Landstrom told reporters Friday they have been able to save money by making their own porn a...

Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family

THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way consi...

Sexual Predator Gets Tenure

Obama spends the afternoon in a garage restoring a classic drone, McDonald’s is now offering bereavement prices, and a sexual predator gets tenure.

Number Of Adults On ADHD Meds Reaches New High

According to a new report, the number of adults taking prescription medications for ADHD rose 50 percent between 2008 and 2012, leading many to question whether doctors are overprescribing the meds.
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Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Personal Finance

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, sources reported. “I’m just a mid-level pea brain, so when this decision landed on my desk from one of the nimrods on my team, I knew I had to run it up the flagpole all the way to the top dope in my department,” said account manager Alan Rasche, who reportedly sent a detailed memo up the boob chain to the highest pinhead in the local office, but quickly learned that even she couldn’t adequately address it and had to send it up to a higher dipshit in company headquarters. “From what I hear, they’re bringing in all the top dumbfuck brass to weigh in on this one, and the ultimate decision is going to come down from the company’s very highest dimwit. This is why the shit-for-brains executives in corporate get paid the big bucks.” Sources said they were confident the company’s top idiot would render an absolutely lunkheaded decision that the company’s low-level nitwits would then have to spend months trying to fix.

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