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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, sources reported. “I’m just a mid-level pea brain, so when this decision landed on my desk from one of the nimrods on my team, I knew I had to run it up the flagpole all the way to the top dope in my department,” said account manager Alan Rasche, who reportedly sent a detailed memo up the boob chain to the highest pinhead in the local office, but quickly learned that even she couldn’t adequately address it and had to send it up to a higher dipshit in company headquarters. “From what I hear, they’re bringing in all the top dumbfuck brass to weigh in on this one, and the ultimate decision is going to come down from the company’s very highest dimwit. This is why the shit-for-brains executives in corporate get paid the big bucks.” Sources said they were confident the company’s top idiot would render an absolutely lunkheaded decision that the company’s low-level nitwits would then have to spend months trying to fix.

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