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Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, sources reported. “I’m just a mid-level pea brain, so when this decision landed on my desk from one of the nimrods on my team, I knew I had to run it up the flagpole all the way to the top dope in my department,” said account manager Alan Rasche, who reportedly sent a detailed memo up the boob chain to the highest pinhead in the local office, but quickly learned that even she couldn’t adequately address it and had to send it up to a higher dipshit in company headquarters. “From what I hear, they’re bringing in all the top dumbfuck brass to weigh in on this one, and the ultimate decision is going to come down from the company’s very highest dimwit. This is why the shit-for-brains executives in corporate get paid the big bucks.” Sources said they were confident the company’s top idiot would render an absolutely lunkheaded decision that the company’s low-level nitwits would then have to spend months trying to fix.

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