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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, sources reported. “I’m just a mid-level pea brain, so when this decision landed on my desk from one of the nimrods on my team, I knew I had to run it up the flagpole all the way to the top dope in my department,” said account manager Alan Rasche, who reportedly sent a detailed memo up the boob chain to the highest pinhead in the local office, but quickly learned that even she couldn’t adequately address it and had to send it up to a higher dipshit in company headquarters. “From what I hear, they’re bringing in all the top dumbfuck brass to weigh in on this one, and the ultimate decision is going to come down from the company’s very highest dimwit. This is why the shit-for-brains executives in corporate get paid the big bucks.” Sources said they were confident the company’s top idiot would render an absolutely lunkheaded decision that the company’s low-level nitwits would then have to spend months trying to fix.

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