adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

Important Man Angered By Inadequate Seating

NEW YORK—In what is being dubbed "a serious breach of importance-based table-placement protocol," a very important man was given inadequate lunchtime seating at Effendi's in downtown Manhattan Monday.

Important man James L. Norridge will not be going back to Effendi's restaurant any time soon.

The important man, James L. Norridge, a senior partner in the prestigious New York law firm of Habisch, Guidry, Norridge, Goldfarb, Dwyer & Bleen, has filed a federal complaint against the upscale restaurant. The grievance will be heard by the House Reservations and Seating Investigatory Subcommittee later this week.

According to sources close to the maître d', the restaurant failed to provide Norridge with seating commensurate with his social standing and importance, placing him "shockingly close to the kitchen" in a poorly lit spot.

If found guilty by the congressional subcommittee, the restaurant could be fined up to $250,000 and have all of its dishwashers and busboys deported.

"This case is very important to us," subcommittee member Rep. Peter King (R-NY). "Mr. Norridge is an important man."

"In 20 years I have never been treated with such callous disregard," Norridge said. "Apparently, you people don't realize how important I am. I just signed a $27 million account with the Toshiba people this very afternoon. And now this? Do you know who I am?"

Of primary importance in the case, sources say, is the low social standing, or "unimportance," of everyone involved other than Norridge himself.

"I've got more important things to do than worry about a restaurant getting a simple seating arrangement right," Norridge said. "That's why I pay other people to do it, and I expect them to get it straight. What do I look like? A blue-collar laborer? I happen to be an important man in this town!"

As an important man, Norridge has become accustomed to being treated with deference and respect by everyone he meets, almost all of whom are less important than he is. Norridge regularly receives priority valet parking, enjoys the compliments of the chef, and has not had to pay for a piece of ass on the convention circuit since 1971.

"I was getting VIP ski passes in Vail when you were still in short pants!" he shouted to reporters.

Norridge further asserted that he has a position to maintain in this community and that he knew your father.

"The nerve, expecting me to eat a meal while there are Mexicans clattering dirty dishes in the next room a mere 10 yards away. I was planning on lunching with an important client today, but obviously that just can't happen now. The meeting is just too important," he said. "Good Christ! Do you even understand what I do all day, and how important it is that it gets done? Just talking to you now, I've probably missed two, maybe three important faxes."

"If you were important like me," he continued, "you'd understand what I'm saying, but I can see by the slack-jawed expressions on your ape-like, unimportant heads that you do not."

He then paused, using his cellular phone to call his answering service and yell at them for missing several important calls.

"We are very, deeply, horribly remorseful over what happened that black day," Effendi's owner Hercule Laurent said of the incident, wringing his hands and rending his garments, prostrating himself in the dust and otherwise debasing himself in shame. "I am not important."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close