Important Man Angered By Inadequate Seating

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Vol 31 Issue 05

Style Replaces Substance

In a change years in the making, style officially replaced substance Monday, tipping artistic balance of power from deep, meaningful expression to glossy, superficial artifice. "Form has finally assumed its rightful place as the driving force in the creative process," said Harv Nevitt of Style magazine. "No more time will be wasted on genuinely substantive content." Style is expected to reign supreme over substance until style itself becomes substance, when it will be replaced by an even more vacant form of style.

Government Squandering Social Security Funds On Cake

WASHINGTON, DC—An independent panel revealed Friday that Congress is squandering the nation's $80 billion Social Security reserves on cake. According to the panel report, some of the cake was served in "extra-large helpings," sparking outrage among taxpayers. Cake-related abuse of funds will be further investigated by a congressional subcommittee, headed by Sen. John Ashcroft (R-MO), who reportedly "does not like cake."

Paramount Home Video Pleased To Bring Man Feature Presentation

SOMERVILLE, MA—Paramount Pictures CEO Jerry Rubin announced Monday that his company is pleased to present Beverly Hills Cop 2 to Somerville-area home-video rental consumer Nathan DeGaetano, 36. Said Rubin, "I know I speak for everyone here at Paramount Pictures when I say that we are pleased to present this terrific Paramount Home Video release starring Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold to Mr. DeGaetano." Paramount will personally convey this sentiment to DeGaetano with a colorful, computer-generated image of a mountain and a professionally pre-recorded message immediately preceding the feature presentation.

Felt Board Adds Clarity To Christ's Teachings

WILMINGTON, NC—A felt board made the teachings of Jesus Christ clear and easy to understand for the sixth-graders attending Sunday school at Holy Redeemer Catholic Church Sunday. "The white block letters velcroed onto the felt board helped me to understand that I will burn in hell if I sin," said Brian Klesko, 12. Sunday school teacher Helene Hildebrant used the felt board because of the children's natural interest in both colorful objects and fuzziness. "I decided that the concepts of ritualized cannibalistic consumption of Christ's body and blood and the condemnation of all non-Christian peoples to eternal suffering in Hell would be easier for today's children to understand if presented in a fun and colorful medium such as a felt board."

Military Hazing

The U.S. military has come under fire for hazing recently, most notably for a controversial videotape depicting Marines "pinning" new recruits, stabbing medals into their chests. What do you think?

I Don't Miss My Arms

It's been almost two years since the auto accident, but you know what? I don't miss my arms at all!
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Important Man Angered By Inadequate Seating

NEW YORK—In what is being dubbed "a serious breach of importance-based table-placement protocol," a very important man was given inadequate lunchtime seating at Effendi's in downtown Manhattan Monday.

Important man James L. Norridge will not be going back to Effendi's restaurant any time soon.

The important man, James L. Norridge, a senior partner in the prestigious New York law firm of Habisch, Guidry, Norridge, Goldfarb, Dwyer & Bleen, has filed a federal complaint against the upscale restaurant. The grievance will be heard by the House Reservations and Seating Investigatory Subcommittee later this week.

According to sources close to the maître d', the restaurant failed to provide Norridge with seating commensurate with his social standing and importance, placing him "shockingly close to the kitchen" in a poorly lit spot.

If found guilty by the congressional subcommittee, the restaurant could be fined up to $250,000 and have all of its dishwashers and busboys deported.

"This case is very important to us," subcommittee member Rep. Peter King (R-NY). "Mr. Norridge is an important man."

"In 20 years I have never been treated with such callous disregard," Norridge said. "Apparently, you people don't realize how important I am. I just signed a $27 million account with the Toshiba people this very afternoon. And now this? Do you know who I am?"

Of primary importance in the case, sources say, is the low social standing, or "unimportance," of everyone involved other than Norridge himself.

"I've got more important things to do than worry about a restaurant getting a simple seating arrangement right," Norridge said. "That's why I pay other people to do it, and I expect them to get it straight. What do I look like? A blue-collar laborer? I happen to be an important man in this town!"

As an important man, Norridge has become accustomed to being treated with deference and respect by everyone he meets, almost all of whom are less important than he is. Norridge regularly receives priority valet parking, enjoys the compliments of the chef, and has not had to pay for a piece of ass on the convention circuit since 1971.

"I was getting VIP ski passes in Vail when you were still in short pants!" he shouted to reporters.

Norridge further asserted that he has a position to maintain in this community and that he knew your father.

"The nerve, expecting me to eat a meal while there are Mexicans clattering dirty dishes in the next room a mere 10 yards away. I was planning on lunching with an important client today, but obviously that just can't happen now. The meeting is just too important," he said. "Good Christ! Do you even understand what I do all day, and how important it is that it gets done? Just talking to you now, I've probably missed two, maybe three important faxes."

"If you were important like me," he continued, "you'd understand what I'm saying, but I can see by the slack-jawed expressions on your ape-like, unimportant heads that you do not."

He then paused, using his cellular phone to call his answering service and yell at them for missing several important calls.

"We are very, deeply, horribly remorseful over what happened that black day," Effendi's owner Hercule Laurent said of the incident, wringing his hands and rending his garments, prostrating himself in the dust and otherwise debasing himself in shame. "I am not important."

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