After Birth

Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan

Coworkers Zack and Evan talk about moving past first impressions, stepping out of your comfort zone, and understanding what it really means to fuck someone.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Impoverished Child In Third World Dreams About One Day Leaving Light On For No Reason

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Calling the luxury an extravagance that he can’t begin to imagine, impoverished Bangladeshi child Sourav Munshi told reporters Wednesday that he dreams of one day being able to leave a light on for absolutely no reason at all. “Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to leave my home and forget to turn off a floor lamp, or even see that it’s still on and not even bother to do anything about it,” said the 8-year-old who lacks access to clean water, proper sanitation, and suitable shelter, confirming that he also often daydreams of exiting the living room for several hours without shutting off the television. “I really just wish that one day I could know what it’s like to have a computer and three or four other electronic devices that I leave plugged in overnight even if they’re fully charged. Imagine that.” Munshi also said that he has his heart set on buying an expensive small appliance or technological gadget that he’ll never use or even remove from its packaging before tossing it in his junk closet.

After Birth

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