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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Impressive WBC Showing Gives Orlando Yntema Leverage At UVV Utrecht Contract Negotiations

TOKYO—In the midst of a successful run with the Netherlands national team at the World Baseball Classic, starting pitcher Orlando Yntema told reporters Wednesday that his impressive performance at the tournament will give him increased leverage when entering contract negotiations with Holland’s UVV Utrecht ballclub. “If I keep pitching like this, I’m definitely going to have the upper hand once I get to the bargaining table,” said Yntema, who indicated that his 2.70 ERA at the WBC would ensure him “at least” a two-year, €60,000 contract extension with his Dutch rookie league team. “And if our squad manages to take this thing all the way, I’ll be sitting pretty. Man, I would love to see the look on [UVV Chairman] Harm Janssen’s face after we bring back the hardware.” Yntema said that if UVV management fails to provide a fair deal, the 27-year-old would have no qualms about making his services available to any other team in the Honkbal Hoofdklasse League, including hated Utrecht rivals De Kroon Kinheim.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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