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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.
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In Memory Of Susan Merriweather

With great regret, we wish to inform you of the death of Onion News Network international reporter Susan Merriweather.

Susan, who started at the Onion News Network as Today Now's denim correspondent in 2002 and worked her way up to become one of the network's most attractive international reporters, was killed by Taliban militants today in Kandahar, Afghanistan.

Despite the tragic circumstances of her death, we at the Onion News Network choose to remember Susan as she was: perpetually camera-ready. Never without some teeth-whitening strips or an extra eyelash-lengthening vitamin E supplement, Susan was truly a television reporter's television reporter. Endlessly selfless, Susan was always the first to tell you if you looked tired or needed to lose a few pounds. Though in the hours leading up to her death she looked more like a member of what she called "the unbathing horde" than herself, we will always remember her as the stunning news-reader that she was. -->-->

Susan is survived by her manicurist Maria Cathcart and her Pomeranian dog Barkles.

Susan Merriweather 1974 - 2011.

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