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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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In Memory Of Susan Merriweather

With great regret, we wish to inform you of the death of Onion News Network international reporter Susan Merriweather.

Susan, who started at the Onion News Network as Today Now's denim correspondent in 2002 and worked her way up to become one of the network's most attractive international reporters, was killed by Taliban militants today in Kandahar, Afghanistan.

Despite the tragic circumstances of her death, we at the Onion News Network choose to remember Susan as she was: perpetually camera-ready. Never without some teeth-whitening strips or an extra eyelash-lengthening vitamin E supplement, Susan was truly a television reporter's television reporter. Endlessly selfless, Susan was always the first to tell you if you looked tired or needed to lose a few pounds. Though in the hours leading up to her death she looked more like a member of what she called "the unbathing horde" than herself, we will always remember her as the stunning news-reader that she was. -->-->

Susan is survived by her manicurist Maria Cathcart and her Pomeranian dog Barkles.

Susan Merriweather 1974 - 2011.

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