In Memory Of Susan Merriweather

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

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CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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In Memory Of Susan Merriweather

With great regret, we wish to inform you of the death of Onion News Network international reporter Susan Merriweather.

Susan, who started at the Onion News Network as Today Now's denim correspondent in 2002 and worked her way up to become one of the network's most attractive international reporters, was killed by Taliban militants today in Kandahar, Afghanistan.

Despite the tragic circumstances of her death, we at the Onion News Network choose to remember Susan as she was: perpetually camera-ready. Never without some teeth-whitening strips or an extra eyelash-lengthening vitamin E supplement, Susan was truly a television reporter's television reporter. Endlessly selfless, Susan was always the first to tell you if you looked tired or needed to lose a few pounds. Though in the hours leading up to her death she looked more like a member of what she called "the unbathing horde" than herself, we will always remember her as the stunning news-reader that she was. -->-->

Susan is survived by her manicurist Maria Cathcart and her Pomeranian dog Barkles.

Susan Merriweather 1974 - 2011.