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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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In Stunning Change Of Character, Bill Belichick Adopts Half-Dozen Dogs From Humane Society

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a shocking reversal of behavior, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly adopted a half-dozen dogs from a local humane society Friday, saving the canines from euthanasia. “I just love these pooches,” said Belichick, smiling and chuckling as the six dogs licked at his face. “They’re so cute. I like to play with them in my backyard.” At press time, Belichick was reportedly promising each of the dogs a “very special treat.”

UPDATE:  Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts

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