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Inarticulate Nolan Ryan Delivers What Players Think Might Have Been Inspirational Speech

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Inarticulate Nolan Ryan Delivers What Players Think Might Have Been Inspirational Speech

SAN FRANCISCO—Legendary Rangers pitcher, team president, and mush-mouth Nolan Ryan delivered an indecipherable and presumably stirring speech in the team's clubhouse before Game 2 of the World Series Thursday, puzzled but tentatively inspired players later confirmed. "Just to have him there was a rush, but to have him look us all in the eyes and say 'Hyeah gotta wont thissen y'all goan shackum weerpo hurrah, goan an' dunnit husslinrusslin t' nagget chossle shummah' is something I'll never forget," said outfielder Josh Hamilton, adding that the hair on the back of his neck stood up and his forehead wrinkled during Ryan's five-minute talk. "Then, when everyone was just completely silent in awe and confusion, he walked to the door, turned, and repeated, 'Nagget. Chossle. Shummah.' I was just stunned." In Ryan's honor, the Rangers have adopted an unintelligible series of slurred vowels and sibilant fricatives as their unofficial World Series motto.

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