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Inclement Weather Prevents Liar From Getting To Work

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Inclement Weather Prevents Liar From Getting To Work

PROVIDENCE, RI—In spite of his best efforts to brave the ongoing winter storm and freezing temperatures, the inclement weather currently affecting the Northeast has left Providence-area liar Tim Carlson unable to commute to his office, the habitual deceiver reported to his colleagues today. “They haven’t been able to plow my street yet and the snow drifts have to be two feet high in some places, so I don’t really think there’s any way for me to make it in,” said an email sent from the man who spent 45 minutes attempting to dislodge his car from a snowbank and who routinely fabricates stories. “On top of that, the buses don’t seem to be running in my area, or else I definitely would have been in by now. This is really a mess. I’m so sorry, everyone. Wish I could be there.” Carlson also confirmed that the weather had left his apartment’s electricity somewhat spotty, preventing the unrepentant phony from doing any work from home.

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