Income Inequality Emerges As Key Topic To Avoid In 2014 Elections

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Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle

WASHINGTON—Visibly anxious after bringing his longtime girlfriend to local pub The Bier Baron, area man Noel Johnson reportedly got down on one knee Friday and finally mustered the courage to ask Amanda Spaid whether she was willing to settle for hi...

Bodybuilder's Veins Now Outside Of His Skin

A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can’t change who you are, and a bodybuilder’s veins are now outside of his skin.

McDonald’s Testing Do-It-Yourself Seasoned Fries

McDonald’s confirmed they’re testing do-it-yourself seasoned french fries, which customers assemble by pouring packets of flavoring onto the fries in a special mixing bag, a concept that was introduced by Burger King in 2002 and failed.

Bus Rider Acting Like Fight Not Happening 4 Feet Away

CHICAGO—Steadfastly staring at his iPhone screen as the shouting grew louder, local man Kyle Rankin spent his bus ride Friday morning acting as if a rapidly escalating argument between two passengers was not happening directly across the aisle from ...
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Income Inequality Emerges As Key Topic To Avoid In 2014 Elections

WASHINGTON—Citing the recent failure to increase the federal minimum wage and the continuing struggles of the country’s shrinking middle class, political strategists reported Monday that income inequality has emerged as the most important topic for politicians to avoid in this year’s upcoming elections. “The well-documented and steadily increasing gap between the rich and poor has come to the fore as the hot-button issue that all congressional candidates will be dodging at town halls, in televised debates, and at voter meet-and-greets in 2014,” said political analyst Rebecca Diemer, noting that both Democrats and Republicans were already holding meetings with top aides and focus groups to strategize the best way to brush aside the subject before they hit the campaign trail. “Come November, voters are going to have a lot of questions about economic disparity, taxes, CEO pay, and public welfare programs, which candidates are going to have to be prepared to address with noncommittal and completely insubstantial answers no more than one sentence long. It’s going to be a subject you’ll hear candidates divert from over and over again right up until Election Day.” Diemer added that immigration had also surfaced as the leading issue for candidates to completely forget about once they are elected.

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