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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna. “Oh, God, I can smell it from here,” said commuter Evelyn Jacobs, muttering under her breath how rude it was to subject the rest of the bus to such a pungent food, especially one that was spurting blood and scales everywhere. “I mean, really, lady? A live 350-pound tuna? Have some consideration for the rest of us who maybe don’t want to leave reeking like the exposed innards of a deep-sea predator.” The passengers’ irritation reportedly turned to audible groans when the woman produced a large bucket of vinegar to pickle whatever she couldn’t finish.

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