Incorrect Pain-Reliever Brand Choice Results In Missed Job Promotion

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Vol 32 Issue 02

World's Muslims Lighten Up

JERUSALEM—After centuries of strict fundamentalism, Yasir Arafat and fellow Muslims are finally taking things a little less seriously.

Football Star Rusty In Sloppy Preseason Drug Bust

OAKLAND, CA—Oakland Raiders' cornerback Demetrius Phillips looked unimpressive in his first drug arrest of the preseason Monday, surrendering to police after a three-minute car chase and engaging in possession of less than two grams of marijuana. Adding to the lackluster quality of the bust, police said that as Phillips was handcuffed and carried off, he failed to shout, "Get your hands off me—I'll fuck you up, motherfuckers," ending a three-arrest streak. "Demetrius really looked rusty out there today," said Raiders defensive-backs coach Denny Carlisle. "If this was the middle of the season, he would have had at least 10 grams of coke on him and a loaded revolver, easy. He's definitely got his work cut out for him before the season opener."

Marilu Henner Named U.S. Secretary Of Mid-Level Talent

WASHINGTON, DC—In an official White House ceremony Monday, President Clinton appointed actress Marilu Henner the first-ever U.S. Secretary of Mid-Level Talent. "Until now, the needs of America's approximately 2,500 mid-level celebrities have been sorely ignored in Washington," Clinton said. "But I am confident that Secretary Henner, with her large but not overly impressive acting resume and her not-that-huge fame, is well-suited to represent marginally talented Americans like Mariette Hartley, Rene Auberjonois, Eileen Brennan and Peabo Bryson." For Henner's first act in office, she plans to promote awareness of veteran character actor Robert Wuhl, a supporting actor in Batman and Bull Durham, and star of the HBO original series Arli$$, "a man who still," Henner told reporters Tuesday, "exists."

Thing Happens

SUMATRA, INDONESIA—According to an unconfirmed report, a thing happened Monday, though experts say it is still not clear exactly what the thing was. "All we know at this time," University of Prague professor of phenomenology Rupert Heiden said, "is that some kind of thing happened." Ordinary citizens, meanwhile, are struggling to put the thing into proper perspective. "You just don't expect a thing like this to happen," Stockton, CA, resident Pamela Worthington said. "Not with things the way they've been." In a statement released late Tuesday, President Clinton urged all Americans to remain calm and allow things to take their natural course. "These things happen," he said.

YES vs. NO

That in 1997 the manufacture of erotic novelty cakes is still the responsibility of the federal government is preposterous.
It is high time that erotic-cake production be privatized, both to improve their quality through free-market competition and to spur economic growth.

Lilith Fair Fever

Lilith Fair, the all-female tour started by singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan, is the hit of the summer concert season. Why are so many responding to it?
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Incorrect Pain-Reliever Brand Choice Results In Missed Job Promotion

SAN FRANCISCO—In a tragic case of pain-reliever brand choice gone wrong, Gus Farber, an assistant sales-team project coordinator with the marketing firm of Integrated Management Solutions, missed a rare opportunity for job advancement Monday due to an error in headache-relief medication selection.

Co-workers attempt to console Gus Farber, who blew a chance at a job promotion after using Mifrin (left) to relieve a headache the night before a major business presentation.

The pain reliever chosen by Farber, Mifrin(TM)-brand Extra-Strength Analgesic Gel Caplets, upset his stomach, depriving him of vital, stress-relieving sleep the night before a major presentation to his supervisor, one with significant job-promotion implications.

Because of his Mifrin-induced stomach discomfort and subsequent inability to obtain a good night's sleep, Farber arrived at work the following morning in a state of dishevelment, disarray and general unpreparedness for his presentation. As a result, a co-worker received the promotion Farber described as "meant for" him.

"I went with the leading brand instead of the one that works," the unattractive, pot-bellied Farber told reporters. "And now I'm paying for it."

The co-worker, strikingly handsome executive Chuck Shane, also had a headache the previous evening. Unlike Farber, however, he opted to take Anadol(TM)-brand Maximum Strength Gelcaps, Mifrin's chief rival in the highly competitive over-the-counter headache-remedy market, allowing him to sleep peacefully throughout the night.

"Anadol helped me get the rest I needed," said a smiling Shane, sporting a brand-new key to the executive washroom. "It's the one that's gentler on your stomach."

Farber, who would have received a new company car and a 20 percent increase in salary as part of the promotion, is taking legal action against Mifrin.

"My client was placed at a considerable competitive disadvantage as a result of his use of Mifrin," Farber's lawyer, Alexander J. Willmer, said. "He is being made to suffer merely because of a lack of good judgment in painkiller-brand decision-making, a matter entirely unrelated to his ability to do the job. My client and I believe it is the responsibility of Mifrin and its parent corporation, Global Tetrahedron Pharmaceuticals, to offer appropriate compensatory reparations."

Upon learning of the pending lawsuit against Mifrin, spokespersons at Tri-Omni Medicorp Consolidated, the Englewood, NJ-based manufacturer of Anadol, expressed sympathy and support for Farber.

"Mr. Farber's case is tragic, yet, sadly, quite common," said Tri-Omni Medicorp assistant director of corporate communications Rupert Sheen. "There's no telling how many others just like him stand the risk of losing crucial sleep before major, potentially career-advancing business presentations, all because they unknowingly opt for the leading brand instead of Anadol, The Medicine That Helps You Get The Rest You Need(TM)."

Though Mifrin has yet to respond to the Farber lawsuit, company spokespersons dismissed Anadol's claims of offering superior headache relief during a press conference Tuesday.

"Mifrin Cures Headache Pain Fast," said Douglas Sheppard, creative director of Hamburg & Blaine, Mifrin's advertising agency. "No other leading brand fights headaches as quickly and effectively as Mifrin."

"Clinical studies show this, I might add," Sheppard said. "Allow me to demonstrate with this luminous, computerized bar graph."

Reporters who examined the bar graph confirmed that the bar representing Mifrin was indeed the highest of the three bars depicted on the chart.

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