adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

Increase In NHL Ankle Injuries Linked To Super-Slick Synthetic Astro-Ice

NEW YORK—The NHL announced Tuesday it would study the possible safety and injury risks of playing hockey on Astro-Ice, an artificial rink-surfacing material used by many teams instead of expensive and difficult-to-maintain ice, the solid state of water formed at low temperatures. "While we maintain there are many benefits to using Astro-Ice—increased slipperiness, ease of installation, no need for costly Zambonis—we realize the increased instance of players falling down indicates a need for further examination," a press release issued by the NHL read in part. "Until the study is complete, we urge all franchises using Astro-Ice to exercise utmost caution." Astro-Ice, a Dow Chemical product, includes many of the same components found in water-based ice, plus added binding polymers, artificial coloring, and additional hydrogen, which the NHL said was "almost certainly" not to blame for this year's dramatic increase in on-ice fires.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close