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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Increased Negative Campaigning Reveals Previously Hidden Ugly Side Of Politics

WASHINGTON—Shocked and disillusioned sources across the nation reported feeling a “loss of innocence” last week when, for the first time in the country’s history, increased negative campaigning began to reveal a long-hidden ugly side of American politics. “Like all of us, I believed our elected representatives considered themselves honor-bound to present public policy matters to the American people in as clear and truthful a manner as possible,” said Omaha resident and mother of four Melanie Jenkins, describing “the dark, secret underbelly” suddenly exposed for the first time this past week in the misrepresentations and outright lies of political ads and speeches. “But now it appears something sinister is afoot in our civic discourse. How long has this deliberate manipulation of voters been going on right under our noses?” At press time, Americans reportedly became even more distressed after realizing that money may actually play a large and detrimental role in our political process.

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