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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Increasingly Anxious Man Worried Order Confirmation Email Never Going To Come

AUGUSTA, ME—Nervously refreshing his inbox every five to 10 seconds, local man Gabe Hines was rapidly losing hope that his confirmation email from an online retailer would ever arrive, sources confirmed Monday. “Jeez, where is it?” said Hines, mentally berating himself for having closed the tab that contained his order confirmation number as he futilely checked his spam folder for the fifth time. “It came through instantly last time. Come on, what’s the holdup?” At press time, Hines’ spirits were elevated and then immediately crushed when a new message that appeared in his inbox turned out to merely be an email from his mother.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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