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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Increasingly Anxious Man Worried Order Confirmation Email Never Going To Come

AUGUSTA, ME—Nervously refreshing his inbox every five to 10 seconds, local man Gabe Hines was rapidly losing hope that his confirmation email from an online retailer would ever arrive, sources confirmed Monday. “Jeez, where is it?” said Hines, mentally berating himself for having closed the tab that contained his order confirmation number as he futilely checked his spam folder for the fifth time. “It came through instantly last time. Come on, what’s the holdup?” At press time, Hines’ spirits were elevated and then immediately crushed when a new message that appeared in his inbox turned out to merely be an email from his mother.

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