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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Incredibly Hip NCAA Counter-Committee Ranks Field Of 64 Teams You've Never Heard Of

BROOKLYN, NY—Touting it as perhaps their most daring yet nuanced field to date, the NCAA's hip, trendsetting counter-committee released its bracket of 64 obscure alternative tournament teams Monday. "While the mainstream selection committee has, as usual, been droning on and on about Duke and Kansas, not a single one of those unimaginative sheep has paid any attention to what our three-seed Bethune-Cookman brings to the table, or is even the least bit aware of the hypnotic qualities of our at-large bid, Texas–Pan American," said 28-year-old chairman Michael Ley, reminding reporters that the counter-committee was seeding quirky and distinctive Gonzaga way before anybody else had even heard of them. "Somebody might look at our No. 1-overall Radford's 5-24 record and say they don't belong in a postseason tournament, but a record is exactly the kind of thing the majority of America would hold against a basketball team. We really probed deeper into their wonderfully idiosyncratic body of work, and we liked what we found." When asked why the counter-committee didn't choose to expand its field to 68, as the traditional NCAA tournament has, several members laughed, shook their heads, and said that "if you have to ask, you clearly don't get it in the first place."

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