adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Incredibly Hip NCAA Counter-Committee Ranks Field Of 64 Teams You've Never Heard Of

BROOKLYN, NY—Touting it as perhaps their most daring yet nuanced field to date, the NCAA's hip, trendsetting counter-committee released its bracket of 64 obscure alternative tournament teams Monday. "While the mainstream selection committee has, as usual, been droning on and on about Duke and Kansas, not a single one of those unimaginative sheep has paid any attention to what our three-seed Bethune-Cookman brings to the table, or is even the least bit aware of the hypnotic qualities of our at-large bid, Texas–Pan American," said 28-year-old chairman Michael Ley, reminding reporters that the counter-committee was seeding quirky and distinctive Gonzaga way before anybody else had even heard of them. "Somebody might look at our No. 1-overall Radford's 5-24 record and say they don't belong in a postseason tournament, but a record is exactly the kind of thing the majority of America would hold against a basketball team. We really probed deeper into their wonderfully idiosyncratic body of work, and we liked what we found." When asked why the counter-committee didn't choose to expand its field to 68, as the traditional NCAA tournament has, several members laughed, shook their heads, and said that "if you have to ask, you clearly don't get it in the first place."

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close