Incredibly Hip NCAA Counter-Committee Ranks Field Of 64 Teams You've Never Heard Of

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March Madness

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Tourists Break 18th-Century Hercules Statue Trying To Snap Selfie

Two tourists visiting the Loggia dei Militi palace in Cremona, Italy reportedly tried to take a selfie with an 18th-century marble statue depicting two figures of Hercules by climbing on it, causing a large marble crown at its top to fall off and shatter. What do you think?

Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee

Former Arkansas governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced his 2016 presidential candidacy Tuesday, becoming the sixth Republican hopeful to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Huckabee

Study: Online Breast Milk May Be Mixed With Cow’s Milk

According to researchers, new mothers seeking to buy premium breast milk online at “milk-sharing” sites may want to reconsider, because new studies have shown that the products may be deliberately mixed with up to 10 percent cow’s milk to stretch their volume. What do you think?

Mayweather-Pacquiao Fight Derided As Boring

Saturday’s welterweight title fight between boxers Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao, which had been hyped as the “Fight of the Century,” was widely criticized as boring and a waste of time by many viewers who paid $100 to watch it on TV. What do you think?

Who Is Ben Carson?

Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

Who Is Carly Fiorina?

Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here’s what you should know about Fiorina:

Study: Funny Men Better In Bed

According to a new study, funny men are more likely to give women orgasms and have partners who want to have sex more often. What do you think?

Top Prom Trends For 2015

Prom season is a time for high school students to plan elaborate proposals, shop for fashionable formalwear, and arrange blowout events in the effort to make prom a night to remember. Here are this year’s most popular prom trends

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Who Is Bernie Sanders?

Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday.

Report: U.S. Zoos Letting Elephants Die Out

According to a report from the Associated Press, zoos across the country are opting to let their elephant populations die off instead of replacing them, in part because it’s hard to provide enough space and in part because new national guidelines ma...

Report: Apple Watch Doesn’t Work Well On Tattooed Wrists

According to emerging reports from users, the new Apple Watch doesn’t work as well when worn on tattooed wrists because the ink causes the sensors to repeatedly ask for security codes, misread heart rates, interfere with apps, and make other errors.

Pros And Cons Of The Greek System

College communities across the nation have become more divided over the merits of Greek life on campus, with advocates saying that it promotes friendship and charity, and critics arguing that it can lead to hazing, underage drinking, and other dangerou...

Man Boldly Declares This Must-Win Game

RIVERSIDE, CA—In an audacious and daring proclamation before Game 5 of the first-round playoff series between the Spurs and Clippers, local 31-year-old Doug Corrigan boldly declared Tuesday that it is a must-win game for Los Angeles, sources confirm...

Professor Fails Entire Class For Bad Behavior

Saying that he reached his breaking point after students repeatedly threatened him, swore, and cheated on their assignments, a professor at Texas A&M Galveston reportedly failed an entire class by reprimanding them in a long letter, then quit his job.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

College Encourages Lively Exchange Of Idea

BOSTON—Saying that such a dialogue was essential to the college’s academic mission, Trescott University president Kevin Abrams confirmed Monday that the school encourages a lively exchange of one idea.

Amazon Testing Car Trunk Delivery

Amazon is testing a new delivery service in Munich, Germany that would allow customers to order products from its website and have them delivered to the trunk of their Audi car if they are at work or otherwise unavailable to accept the package.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Tips For Going Green

As climate change, pollution, and population growth continue to damage the environment, it’s more important than ever for consumers to make eco-friendly decisions and practice green habits.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

What You've Been Missing, Ep. 3

The Internet has an abundance of amazing things trapped inside. So much, in fact, that you've probably missed a tidbit or two of amazingness.

What You've Been Missing, Ep. 2

The Internet has an abundance of amazing things trapped inside. So much, in fact, that you've probably missed a tidbit or two of amazingness.

YouTube Turns 10

On April 23, 2005, three former PayPal employees started a video-sharing site called YouTube, which has since grown into an influential media platform with over 1 billion users.

What You've Been Missing, Ep. 1

The Internet has an abundance of amazing things trapped inside. So much, in fact, that you've probably missed a tidbit or two of amazingness.

Entire Week Of Sports Passes Without One Person Making Play

BRISTOL, CT—Noting that they had continued watching various games with the hope that something noteworthy would eventually happen, millions of sports fans expressed their disappointment Friday after an entire week passed without a single athlete mak...
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Incredibly Hip NCAA Counter-Committee Ranks Field Of 64 Teams You've Never Heard Of

BROOKLYN, NY—Touting it as perhaps their most daring yet nuanced field to date, the NCAA's hip, trendsetting counter-committee released its bracket of 64 obscure alternative tournament teams Monday. "While the mainstream selection committee has, as usual, been droning on and on about Duke and Kansas, not a single one of those unimaginative sheep has paid any attention to what our three-seed Bethune-Cookman brings to the table, or is even the least bit aware of the hypnotic qualities of our at-large bid, Texas–Pan American," said 28-year-old chairman Michael Ley, reminding reporters that the counter-committee was seeding quirky and distinctive Gonzaga way before anybody else had even heard of them. "Somebody might look at our No. 1-overall Radford's 5-24 record and say they don't belong in a postseason tournament, but a record is exactly the kind of thing the majority of America would hold against a basketball team. We really probed deeper into their wonderfully idiosyncratic body of work, and we liked what we found." When asked why the counter-committee didn't choose to expand its field to 68, as the traditional NCAA tournament has, several members laughed, shook their heads, and said that "if you have to ask, you clearly don't get it in the first place."

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