Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.
End Of Section
  • More News

Independent Bookstore Puts The Dave Eggers Right Where The Fuckers Can Find Them

PORTLAND, ME—Saying that he wanted to make things as easy as possible for all the dumbshits to locate, Back Pages Bookshop owner Stephen Larrick told reporters Friday that he had placed all of the Dave Eggers titles on a table near the independent bookstore’s entrance where any stupid son of a bitch who wandered in could find them. “A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius, Zeitoun, the new one—I piled all that shit smack-dab in the middle of the room for the dum-dums to snatch up,” Larrick said of the centrally located display, adding that he had attached a handwritten list of staff recommendations that directed the fuckers to several further titles located nearby. “And wait until these dim bulbs see the bookcase I set up with those anthologies of George Saunders’ short stories. They’ll start squealing like pigs in shit.” Larrick added that he would almost feel bad for these chumps if he wasn’t riding them straight to the goddamn bank.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.