adBlockCheck

Independent Investigation: Special Olympics Fixed

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Independent Investigation: Special Olympics Fixed

Many ‘Winners’ Found to Have Lost Badly

Scandal rocked the sports world yesterday when a secret investigation revealed that the Special Olympics, one of the nation’s premier annual athletic competitions, is fixed.

According to the undercover probe, over the years hundreds and possibly thousands of participating athletes have been declared “winners,” despite losing their respective contests, often by wide margins.

“I don’t think there’s anything ‘winning’ or ‘special’ about finishing in eighth or ninth place,” chief investigator Harlan Brundage said. “Do these kids think they’re winners just because they tried? Just because they gave it their all? Well, let me tell you, trying doesn’t make you a winner. Coming in first does.”

An estimated 15,000 athletes participated in the Special Olympics this year, and, according to Special Olympics awards records, every one of them was declared a “winner.”

According to Brundage, until a thorough investigation can be conducted, all Special Olympians will be stripped of their medals and held for questioning. Several Special Olympics officials and judges are also being detained.

Evidence of the massive scandal was first discovered June 17, during a Special Olympics competition in Milpitas, CA. Marcy Simms, a 27-year-old Milpitas resident, was declared a winner in the gymnastics competition, despite falling off the two-foot-wide balance beam some 11 times and failing to execute even a single cartwheel.

Upon finishing her lackluster routine, Simms raised her arms above her head and cheered in triumph. Her parents then raced over to hug and kiss her, joyously sharing in their daughter’s “victory.”

“When we saw Marcy celebrating, we were immediately suspicious of corruption,” Brundage said. “Her routine was terrible—what could she possibly have been so happy about?”

Gymnastics judge Olga Rublovskya, a bronze medalist at the 1976 Montreal Olympics, agreed. “I would give this performance of Marcy’s a 0.0,” Rublovskya said. “The routine was not very good at all.”

Further evidence of scandal was uncovered at this year’s Harwich, MA, Special Olympics, where Jeff Coombs, 32, was awarded a medal in the 40-yard dash competition despite coming in dead last out of 15 competitors.

Following the race, an investigator asked Coombs if he realized how poorly he fared, to which Coombs replied, “I’m special! I’m a winner!”

When the investigator countered that Coombs was neither special nor a winner, but rather an exceptional failure who finished in dead last place, Coombs vehemently maintained his specialness.

“These are substandard athletes at best,” Brundage said. “Why they are competing in something called the Olympics is a question we must answer. This shocking scandal must be uncovered. I promise a full investigation.”

The scandal has also resulted in a loss of sponsorship dollars. Already, Reebok and Toshiba, the Special Olympics’ two largest sponsors, have announced they are pulling out, and Pepsi is expected to follow.

“It is in Reebok’s best interest at this time to put our money behind the 1996 Atlanta Games, where the athletes have proven their ability to run, jump and catch,” said Marvin Balsam, Reebok Director of Marketing, explaining his company’s decision to shift $158 million from the Special Olympics to the Atlanta Games. “Until we see more physical skill from these Special Olympians, we have no choice but to spend our sponsorship dollars elsewhere.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close