Indian-American Couple's Accent Makes Fight Adorable

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Vol 39 Issue 36

Supreme Court Gets Free Box Of Shoes After Mentioning Nike In Ruling

WASHINGTON, DC—The nine justices of the U.S. Supreme Court were treated to a free crate of athletic shoes Monday, following an offhand mention of Nike during a ruling in the case of McBrayer & Company v. The City Of Detroit. "All I did was say that the claims made by the defendant were similar to those made by Nike when defending labor conditions in its Asian footwear factories," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said. "Next thing you know, we get this big box of red Air Zoom Spiridons in the mail. Inside the box was a form letter from Nike's publicist. Sweet!" The Supreme Court will begin its new session Oct. 6, with Case 03-130: Sony High-Definition Widescreen Televisions v. Fossil Sterling Silver Multifunction Watches v. Bombay Sapphire Gin.

Change In Bus Seats Taken Personally

ST. LOUIS—Bus passenger Dan Pohl was offended by 26-year-old fellow rider Lana Peters Monday when she moved from the bus seat beside him to a seat closer to the door. "What? I'm not good enough to sit next to?" Pohl thought. "Go on and move then." Peters was unavailable for comment, as she exited the bus at the next stop. 

School Friends Don't Find Camp Songs Funny

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Friends of fourth-grader Kendra Tyler failed to find her songs about Eagle Waters Junior Camp funny, 9-year-old classmate Tanya O'Doole reported Monday. "Kendra kept singing this one song that sounds like 'Camptown Races,' but it's about some guy named Counselor Bob," O'Doole said. "She was acting like it was so great, but it didn't even make any sense. I mean, what's a Prospect Peak, anyway?" Tyler's friends were similarly uninterested in doing the Eagle Wing Dance.

The Ban On Travel To Cuba

The House of Representatives recently voted to end the decades-old restriction prohibiting travel to Cuba. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Indian-American Couple's Accent Makes Fight Adorable

SAN DIEGO—A witness to an argument between Indian-Americans Soumitra and Vineeta Chattergee reported Monday that she thoroughly enjoyed the vicious fight. "They were at each other's throats, arguing about which one wrote the check that caused an overdraft," said eyewitness Shelly Knight, who was delighted by the heated exchange while standing in line at Citibank. "Usually, I can't stand it when couples go at it in public, but that accent made them sound so cute." Knight added that she was slightly disappointed when Soumitra stormed out.

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