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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Indian Sweatshop Worker Has To Work In The Fucking Dark Now Too

NEW DELHI—Following the ongoing power outage that has left more than 680 million people in India without electricity, 17-year-old sweatshop worker Bhavesh Patel told reporters today he has now been forced to work his grueling, inhumane job in the dark on top of fucking everything else. "Jesus Christ, are you shitting me?" Patel reportedly said to himself while struggling to hand-stitch the right sleeve onto an Adidas T-shirt in pitch-black darkness. "It's bad enough having to work 19 hours straight in 100-degree heat for almost no pay, but now I have to stumble around in the dark like a goddamn moron, too? Fucking terrific." Patel then quickly remembered his starving family, calmed himself down, and continued to quietly and diligently work deep into the night.

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