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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Indian Sweatshop Worker Has To Work In The Fucking Dark Now Too

NEW DELHI—Following the ongoing power outage that has left more than 680 million people in India without electricity, 17-year-old sweatshop worker Bhavesh Patel told reporters today he has now been forced to work his grueling, inhumane job in the dark on top of fucking everything else. "Jesus Christ, are you shitting me?" Patel reportedly said to himself while struggling to hand-stitch the right sleeve onto an Adidas T-shirt in pitch-black darkness. "It's bad enough having to work 19 hours straight in 100-degree heat for almost no pay, but now I have to stumble around in the dark like a goddamn moron, too? Fucking terrific." Patel then quickly remembered his starving family, calmed himself down, and continued to quietly and diligently work deep into the night.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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