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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Indiana Either This Year's UConn, This Year's Arizona, 2010's Michigan State, Or A Combination Of 2003's Marquette And 1987's Providence

BLOOMINGTON, IN—As the Hoosiers enter the NCAA Tournament for the first time in four years, many commentators are speculating that the 2012 Indiana men's basketball team could be this year's UConn, or at least this year's Arizona, or potentially even a hybrid of 2003's Marquette team and the 1987 Providence squad, both of which made surprise runs to the Final Four. "IU is getting hot at the right time, much like Connecticut last year, but they also have a dominating freshman like Arizona had. Then again, Marquette also had freshman Dwyane Wade in 2003, and Tom Crean also coached that team, so maybe that is the better comparison, especially if you pair elements of that team with the 1987 Providence Friars," ESPN analyst Jay Bilas said Saturday, stopping to backtrack several times during the segment to recount which teams Indiana does and does not remind him of. "Ultimately, I see this team making a nice run to the Sweet 16, but bouncing out there, which incidentally enough is exactly what the 1994 Hoosiers did, so I might change my answer. Yeah, that's it—this Indiana team strikes me as most similar to the '94 Indiana team. And maybe a little like Michigan State from two years ago, now that I think about it." After more than 15 minutes, two commercial breaks, and the rolling of a whiteboard into the studio to help parse through several dozen teams from multiple eras, the College GameDay crew agreed that come tournament time, Indiana should appear most reminiscent of the Indiana basketball team that played in the Big 10 Tournament on Friday.

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