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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Indiana Pacers Feel Stupid For Believing In Themselves

MIAMI—Following their 99-76 Game 7 loss in the Eastern Conference Finals, Indiana Pacers players confirmed Tuesday that they felt like complete idiots for believing in themselves and foolishly thinking that they ever had a chance against the Miami Heat. “It’s downright embarrassing that every player on this team was actually convinced we were good enough to beat a team loaded with NBA superstars,” said Pacers small forward Paul George, who apologized for getting pumped up by a speech from Indiana head coach Frank Vogel. “What the hell were we thinking? They have LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, and we have David West and George Hill. Nobody on this team has ever averaged more than 20 points a game. When I think about how confident we were during games, I can’t believe we acted so stupid. Deep down we should have believed with all our heart that we would fail.” At press time, George acknowledged that Indiana fans must have been “fucking delusional” to seriously believe in the Pacers.

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