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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Indiana Pacers Feel Stupid For Believing In Themselves

MIAMI—Following their 99-76 Game 7 loss in the Eastern Conference Finals, Indiana Pacers players confirmed Tuesday that they felt like complete idiots for believing in themselves and foolishly thinking that they ever had a chance against the Miami Heat. “It’s downright embarrassing that every player on this team was actually convinced we were good enough to beat a team loaded with NBA superstars,” said Pacers small forward Paul George, who apologized for getting pumped up by a speech from Indiana head coach Frank Vogel. “What the hell were we thinking? They have LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, and we have David West and George Hill. Nobody on this team has ever averaged more than 20 points a game. When I think about how confident we were during games, I can’t believe we acted so stupid. Deep down we should have believed with all our heart that we would fail.” At press time, George acknowledged that Indiana fans must have been “fucking delusional” to seriously believe in the Pacers.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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