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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Indianapolis Sports Reporter Pours His Little Heart Out In Peyton Manning Retirement Column

INDIANAPOLIS—Praising the veteran quarterback as “a man who changed the game of football forever,” Indianapolis Star reporter Kyle Bowman reportedly poured his little heart out Monday in a column about the retirement of Peyton Manning. “I have long dreaded the day when I would finally have to say this goodbye, but let me begin by saying that covering Peyton has been the greatest privilege of my professional life,” read an excerpt of Bowman’s glowing 3,800-word tribute, in which he gushed that Lucas Oil Stadium is “The House That Peyton Built.” “Peyton Manning has meant more to the fans and community here than anyone could ever put into words, and this city owes him a debt of gratitude for everything he accomplished during his 14 years in a Colts uniform. Number 18 will always be our quarterback.” Bowman then finished baring his undying love for Manning by concluding the piece with a single line reading “Thank you, Peyton.”


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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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