Indians Apologize For Not Having Ace Pitcher To Trade To Contender This Year

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Vol 46 Issue 30

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NEW YORK—Officials from the Hawks, Celtics, and Heat expressed interest in Shaquille O'Neal as a person Wednesday, confirming league rumors that they believed the free agent center would be highly suitable for a long-term friendship.

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PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had built the first robot with the capacity to suppress its emotions.
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Indians Apologize For Not Having Ace Pitcher To Trade To Contender This Year

CLEVELAND—Addressing fans, rival MLB teams, and commissioner Bud Selig, Indians general manager Mark Shapiro delivered a heartfelt apology Tuesday, lamenting the lack of a Cy Young Award–winning pitcher his team could trade to a legitimate contender. "I apologize, especially to the large-market teams like the Yankees and the Red Sox, that we don't have a starter like Cliff Lee or CC Sabathia whom we can give away for next to nothing," said Shapiro, adding that he feels "just awful" that teams have worked so hard this season and the Indians have no way to help them. "But I assure you, we've been developing a number of prospects we soon won't be able to afford." Shapiro, who said the Indians really had no need for a closer, claimed the team was willing to part with reliever Chris Perez for $5,000 and a new baseline field marker.

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