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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Indians Meet With Trevor Hoffman, Forget To Offer Contract

CLEVELAND—Despite spending two full days this past weekend with Trevor Hoffman, Indians GM Mark Shapiro admitted that, although the ultimate goal of the experience was to sign the free-agent closer for the 2006 season, the plan to make a formal contract offer completely slipped his mind. "I went to Trevor's hometown of Del Mar, CA Saturday thinking nothing but 'two years, $14 million,' but once I got there and met [his wife] Tracy and the kids—wonderful people, by the way—any thought of money was gone before I even tasted Tracy's homemade meat loaf, which was just delicious," said Shapiro, who then traveled with Hoffman to Cleveland, where the pair took in a Browns game, visited the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, and had dinner and a four-hour conversation at the famous Blue Point Grill. "Once we started talking, the evening just flew by. We're both very interested in baseball, and Trevor had some great stories from the '98 World Series that I could've listened to all night long. Really evocative storyteller." Shapiro was afforded one last opportunity to make the deal when he sat next to Hoffman on their two-hour flight from Cleveland to the winter GM meetings in Dallas, but Shapiro said he spent the trip listening to his iPod and catching up on some much-needed sleep.

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