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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Indians Meet With Trevor Hoffman, Forget To Offer Contract

CLEVELAND—Despite spending two full days this past weekend with Trevor Hoffman, Indians GM Mark Shapiro admitted that, although the ultimate goal of the experience was to sign the free-agent closer for the 2006 season, the plan to make a formal contract offer completely slipped his mind. "I went to Trevor's hometown of Del Mar, CA Saturday thinking nothing but 'two years, $14 million,' but once I got there and met [his wife] Tracy and the kids—wonderful people, by the way—any thought of money was gone before I even tasted Tracy's homemade meat loaf, which was just delicious," said Shapiro, who then traveled with Hoffman to Cleveland, where the pair took in a Browns game, visited the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, and had dinner and a four-hour conversation at the famous Blue Point Grill. "Once we started talking, the evening just flew by. We're both very interested in baseball, and Trevor had some great stories from the '98 World Series that I could've listened to all night long. Really evocative storyteller." Shapiro was afforded one last opportunity to make the deal when he sat next to Hoffman on their two-hour flight from Cleveland to the winter GM meetings in Dallas, but Shapiro said he spent the trip listening to his iPod and catching up on some much-needed sleep.

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