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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Indians Meet With Trevor Hoffman, Forget To Offer Contract

CLEVELAND—Despite spending two full days this past weekend with Trevor Hoffman, Indians GM Mark Shapiro admitted that, although the ultimate goal of the experience was to sign the free-agent closer for the 2006 season, the plan to make a formal contract offer completely slipped his mind. "I went to Trevor's hometown of Del Mar, CA Saturday thinking nothing but 'two years, $14 million,' but once I got there and met [his wife] Tracy and the kids—wonderful people, by the way—any thought of money was gone before I even tasted Tracy's homemade meat loaf, which was just delicious," said Shapiro, who then traveled with Hoffman to Cleveland, where the pair took in a Browns game, visited the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, and had dinner and a four-hour conversation at the famous Blue Point Grill. "Once we started talking, the evening just flew by. We're both very interested in baseball, and Trevor had some great stories from the '98 World Series that I could've listened to all night long. Really evocative storyteller." Shapiro was afforded one last opportunity to make the deal when he sat next to Hoffman on their two-hour flight from Cleveland to the winter GM meetings in Dallas, but Shapiro said he spent the trip listening to his iPod and catching up on some much-needed sleep.

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