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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Indians Meet With Trevor Hoffman, Forget To Offer Contract

CLEVELAND—Despite spending two full days this past weekend with Trevor Hoffman, Indians GM Mark Shapiro admitted that, although the ultimate goal of the experience was to sign the free-agent closer for the 2006 season, the plan to make a formal contract offer completely slipped his mind. "I went to Trevor's hometown of Del Mar, CA Saturday thinking nothing but 'two years, $14 million,' but once I got there and met [his wife] Tracy and the kids—wonderful people, by the way—any thought of money was gone before I even tasted Tracy's homemade meat loaf, which was just delicious," said Shapiro, who then traveled with Hoffman to Cleveland, where the pair took in a Browns game, visited the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, and had dinner and a four-hour conversation at the famous Blue Point Grill. "Once we started talking, the evening just flew by. We're both very interested in baseball, and Trevor had some great stories from the '98 World Series that I could've listened to all night long. Really evocative storyteller." Shapiro was afforded one last opportunity to make the deal when he sat next to Hoffman on their two-hour flight from Cleveland to the winter GM meetings in Dallas, but Shapiro said he spent the trip listening to his iPod and catching up on some much-needed sleep.

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